There was so much on the line for an array of teams heading into Week 17 that I was legitimately concerned for the well being of RedZone channel host Scott Hanson and his continuously spinning brain. With the very rare even split of games — eight at 1pm and seven at 4pm — there would be no break for Hanson, and the stakes could not have been higher.
Can you tell?
Specifically, the Patriots were playing for a BYE Week, the Chiefs were praying for a Pats choke job, Green Bay was playing for all kinds of shit depending on how the rest of the games shook out, the Niners and Seahawks were in Seattle bizarrely playing for the top seed or the bottom of the barrel, and the highly comical NFC East was up for grabs once again.
SPOILER ALERT: The Patriots choked.
Possibly of more significance, depending on where your head’s at, we finally got official confirmation that Daniel Jones is in fact, an Eli Manning clone.
Luggage! Emmitt Smith was gifting his All-World offensive line with Rolex watches in the 90s and nearly 30 years later we’ve upgraded to… LUGGAGE. Unbelievable, while at the same time entirely believable. As for the aforementioned Rolex watches, people remain as stupid and predictable as ever.
To round out the rampant run in the assclown parade, the Saints brought in Antonio Brown for a workout and it sounds like things went swimmingly.
Anyways, let’s get to the point and discuss all the sizzle, drizzle and scorching misfires we saw off the field during Week 17, the final installment of the regular season with all 32 teams on deck. Take it away, Andrew, you charismatic beast!
NOTE: The abrupt, unexpected retirement announcement from Luck in late August left a gaping hole in the incredibly awkward category but we’ve managed to fill the void via group effort.
Christian McCaffrey slowly morphing into a highly paid, highly skilled European hitman who has been sent to the United States to take out the seemingly unkillable Jack Ryan has been the runaway highlight of the Panthers season.
Russ began the first few weeks of the season looking like a guy who lost a bet with one of his fullbacks or linemen and was forced to trade wardrobes. This, however, is the version of Russ we’ve come to know and love over the years and it’s a very dangerous version — especially given his recent obsession with aviators — as exhibited last night in nearly pulling off a miraculous comeback. Much like McCaffrey above, he’s got that whole hired assassin look going, almost as if he’s at the opposite end of the hallway about to face off with the Panthers running back.
Daniel Jones got a half-zip Northface fleece and a J. Crew button-down for Christmas and he promised mom he would wear it.
How soon until all those reasonable Browns fans out there start calling into radio stations to complain that Baker Mayfield might be getting a little too plump? Guessing that’s already begun, actually. On a separate note, going with the birdshit-splattered tie was the perfect way to finish off such a memorable 6-10 shitshow.
UPDATE: Here’s a very refined, uppity and dare I say snooty, Baker Mayfield.
UPDATE #2: Baker Mayfield conducting his postgame press conference in front of an empty black backdrop was symbolism at its very finest. These are dark days in Cleveland and they’ve been dark for weeks. But what a heads up, inventive move by Browns staffers to properly convey the mood without saying anything at all. Also, bonus points to Baker for the dual Superman curl. Simply outstanding.
Zeke’s hair being flattened this week feels like the wrong way to finish but it’s actually the right way to finish. After all, this is the week of symbolism and his notoriously lively hair being completely deflated tells the whole sob story for the Dallas Cowboys. However, the seamless transition from beard to turtleneck makes for an incredibly smooth look.
Jimmy GQ remains the master of beard trimming and the king of jawlines, bu-bu-but is that a gray hair in the very back of his head? This must be fixed at once in the name of Personal Branding. Also, his coat collar probably isn’t even meant to be popped — it’s all screwed up — but of course it still worked flawlessly.
One sleeve up, one sleeve down. Or is that a ripped sleeve? Either way, a rarely seen disheveled Tom Brady is just another slice of symbolism after a completely dumbfounding loss to the Dolphins that forced the Pats into a wildcard game this Saturday rather than a week off for the old man to rest up.
Seahawks offensive lineman D.J. Fluker is right near the very top this week because this might very well be my favorite “arrival photo” of the season. Look at this freakin’ guy. First of all, there’s the jacket that could fit 17 Kyler Murrays and probably still have extra space for a couple Baker Mayfields. Then there’s the smile, which seems contagious because I can’t stop laughing. What a treasure.
Initially wasn’t sure what had gotten into Aaron Rodgers after last week’s highly unexpected fashionable look and then became even further perplexed after seeing what we have here, but thanks to the tireless sleuths at Reddit it appears he’s taken a liking to the Do-It-Yourself design work from offensive lineman Billy Turner.
And here’s the confirmation. What an excellent save by Billy Turner. Aaron Rodgers had routinely been dressing like a guy whose safe place was Old Navy and only Old Navy, and that was hardly a good thing.
I really hate to apply this overly used term, but that jacket is straight fire. Couple that thing with a hoodie from Roots of Fight and you’re as good as gold.
If this is it for Jason Witten, it was one helluva career. Although he missed a great opportunity to inject some much-needed humor into the Cowboys locker room by neglecting to throw on his famously subtle Hair Hat from last season.
Please bring back that glorious rug, just don’t bring it back to the booth.
An NFC East Championship t-shirt under the blazer? After going 8-8? Well, considering all the Eagles team have overcome, including how they pulled off a huge win over Dallas using the spare parts of a depleted roster, I’ll allow it.
There’s a 99.9% that this is the last time we’ll see Andy Dalton as a member of the Cincinnati Bengals, which is pretty sad considering his explosive orange hair is literally the same exact color as his Bengals jersey, making it feel like it was always meant to be. Alas, that chapter has closed. And the next stop won’t be the Browns, so there’s no chance of that dead on hair-to-helmet match happening. But the Dolphins do have some orange in their logo so let’s see if his agent can get that shit done. #Priorities
For some reason Gardner Minshew was wearing a Jawaan Taylor “75” t-shirt and I’m not sure why. What’s important is that “Minshew Mania” was revived after a short period of sitting on the bench and he managed to finish strong thanks to the power of his Fu Manchu mustache and his ridiculous trapped-in-time haircut that’s all but begging for a True Detective Season 4 audition.
With the division already clinched by Green Bay and the Vikings firmly in place as the 6th seed, Kirk Cousins sat out Sunday’s regular-season finale against the Bears. However, since it was Week 17 there WILL be some Kirk Cousins mockery and, frankly, these tweets just felt right.
Wait, but that is Kirk Cousins.
Absolutely nailed it. See ya’ next week, Kirk!
Sean Mannion, Kirk’s backup who hadn’t thrown one pass all season until yesterday, and a result threw two passes directly to Bears defenders, already seems way more interesting and looser than Kirk Cousins. Sure, he’s the Clipboard QB so it’s easier to have a carefree approach, but if Kirk had a similarly bad game, he’d be standing up there stone-faced with empty eyes like he was being interrogated by the FBI for abducting neighborhood cats.
Turtleneck City, population EVERYONE, although I’m not gonna criticize such a look on Derrick Henry mostly because King Henry is all about power moves, power looks and pancaking DBs into oblivion. And going with a chunky timepiece on both wrists is the definition of a lethal power move.
Vikings linebacker Anthony Barr was dumb enough to talk shit to the great Aaron Jones by saying “the lights are too bright, get off the field” and now Jones is lettin’ him know what’s up with an exceptional hoodie coupled with a smile loaded with trolling joy. I can’t begin to explain how much I love this. Anthony Barr, owned.
It took 17 weeks but Kliff Kingsbury is finally in the building! What a fit from the Cards coach, who is miles ahead of every other head honcho in the NFL when it comes to exuding swagger. There’s not a doubt in my mind that Bill Belichick despises this man.
Jameis Winston: “You look at my numbers, I’m ballin.”
Also Jameis Winston: 33 TDs, 30 INTs.
That is a lovely polo, though. Great assortment of melding colors.
Kinda feels like the alway fashionable Laremy Tunsil is giving off a similar vibe to that of the guy who worked in the photo store where Costanza accidentally slipped some provocative photos to the wrong person:
Nonetheless, the IDGAF half-buttoned shirt is as arrogant as it gets and even bolder when done so by an offensive lineman. More power to him.
Marcus Peters wearing an enormous platinum chain with the Timberland logo is the most Marcus Peters thing ever.
To the surprise of no one on earth, Matt Ryan went with the Joseph A. Bank deal where if you buy a suit you get a couple free button-downs of your own choosing. And boy did he choose well! Once again, the magnetism of Matty Ice just leaps right off the screen.
George Kittle wearing a t-shirt with Jimmy GQ’s iconic “Feels Great, Baby” quote to Erin Andrews was sensational on about 11 different levels. There’s just nothing not to love about George Kittle. And in case you haven’t seen the clip that nearly caused Erin Andrews to faint, here ya’ go.
Robert Griffin III
RGIII got an opportunity to take questions at the coveted podium for the first time all season and showed up in full pads and uniform. Very ON BRAND. Kinda pissed he didn’t pull a Ricky Williams and keep the helmet on too.
Emmanuel Sanders gifted his fellow Niners receiving core with black and gold Versace robes that have their name and jersey number on the back. Not sure I’ve ever seen a smoother transition from a guy picked up in a mid-season trade. Kinda need one of my own, to be honest.
A Buffalo Bandits hat and a Buffalo Braves jersey? Josh Allen was already greatly adored by #BillsMafia. With this move, he’s probably reached cult figure status. What an awesome rise it’s been for the second-year QB.
Drew Brees with the usual laser light show. He and Matt Ryan should go ice skating together.
Private school standout QB Sam Darnold spotted here catching the shuttle back to the airport after a pleasant Christmas with family and friends at their winter vacation home in Aspen.
The jacket Deshaun Watson is wearing here could easily be used as the template to design a delightfully cheerful, non-specific holiday coffee cup.
Chris Moore (Supposedly)
That play button is perfectly placed over the face of WR Chris Moore, who may or may not have just robbed a bank. The Ravens definitely house one of the deepest rosters of interesting, tone-setting personalities.
The aforementioned Versace robe gift from Emmanuel Sanders looks like comfort at its best and the ideal way to fly. I’m seething with so much jealousy it hurts.
Those spiked shoes are a wonderful shoutout to Cam Newton, who is still dearly missed. Nice gesture, Budda.
Yes, a kicker. Had to include a kicker and he’s one of the very few who doesn’t dress like he’s about to attend a PowerPoint presentation on how to create PowerPoint presentations.
Bottom line, if you’re wearing Supreme, you’re probably doing something very well. Good for Courtland Sutton, one of the only bright spots in an otherwise lost season for the Broncos.
Plain and simple, any apparel that says “MAKE FULLBACKS GREAT AGAIN” will never get old.
Taiwan Jones & A. J. Moore
After 17 weeks of this stuff, I’m finally convinced that the Texans might be paying just a liiiiittle too much attention to pregame fashion fireworks.
If I were Dak, I would’ve strolled up to the podium in some random shit, like a Cobra Kai kit or one of Ric Flair’s old robes. But the dude has somehow stayed the course and said all the right things and you gotta respect him for that.
Pats safety Devin McCourty commented on this Instagram post with “damn pants too tight” and that just about sums it up. What a painful look. I’m pretty sure his suffocating phone is desperately daring to make a great escape. With that said, GOD DAMN those new SB Dunk kicks are the shit.
Odell Beckham & Jarvis Landry
This is OBJ and Juice Landry after hearing Freddie Kitchens got fired. In fact, this is everyone after hearing Freddie Kitchens got fired.
The season is over for Phillip Lindsay, which may be a good thing. Get this man some auditions in Hollywood ASAP for anything and everything. Even a few cameos would be a good start. How this guy never made into a single scene in The Duece truly boggles the mind.
We interrupt our regularly scheduled programming to show you what true passion and heart looks like. It’s been fun, Philip Rivers, I just wish you had worn one of your bolo ties.
Unforgettable legend, all those fourth-quarter INTs be damned.
I’m telling you, the turtleneck-blazer tag team is takin’ over and there’s not a damn thing we can do about it. Come on, guys. Spread your wings a little. Would it kill you to mix in a scarf and maybe a vintage pipe to give the feel of an arrogant English professor giving a keynote speech at a Barnes & Noble? This is all becoming just a little too safe.
Like I said…
Thankfully, Jaylon Smith separated himself from the pack by wearing those tinted pimp glasses that could easily be used as small fancy dishes for some top-shelf tapas.
Well, I can’t believe I’m about to say this since I’m #TeamScarf4Life, but Turtleneck SZN — especially the blazer/turtleneck combo — is starting to win me over despite Green Bay safety Adrian Amos neglecting to center his chain. Unacceptable act! Though all is of course forgiven considering this is the guy who wore a Christmas sweater last week along with the words “My Momma Got Me That Sweater.” Warms the heart.
The Cowboys tight end who had zero catches for zero yards looks like a fit version of jittery Pied Piper CEO Richard Hendricks. In case you’re keeping score, that’s really not much of a compliment.
Considering this is like the 17th photo of Julio Jones walking and looking at his phone, I’m gonna need to know what game he’s playing. It’s either Mario Kart or he’s doing an impressive juggling act with every groupie in Atlanta.
Clad in all black with a gold chain that says “FLASH.” That’s really all Melvin needs to do to cut through the clutter.
It must be chain week because everyone came out to play. Washington’s Daron Payne, the 320-pound second year nose tackle out of Alabama, is yet another big man embracing the Fashion Game. While the Burberry jacket draws immediate attention, that gold “DP’ chain is superhero-esque.
If you have green hair and wear those majestic red and black Jordan 11s, you make the cut. It’s a scientific fact.
JuJu taking a page out of D-Hop’s playbook and going with a literal glow-up, fluorescent style. And that’s definitely the type of turtleneck I can get on board with, not to mention those shoes and backpack. JuJu is getting dangerously close to bedazzling his entire outfit, and I’m ALL for it.
I know Jack Doyle very well from fantasy football yet have never actually seen Jack Doyle the football player without his helmet on, so it’s nice to know the Colts reliable tight end has been carrying the torch to honor Andrew Luck’s extreme hairiness while simultaneously impersonating the Unabomber. Easier said than done.
Honestly don’t have a clue who’s at left, as they weren’t tagged in the photo, but I’m getting the sense that Benardrick Mckinney has recently watched The Two Popes and found himself well beyond inspired.
I would’ve put “Fletcher Cox & Vinny Curry” above the photo but I don’t know much about Vinny Curry, however, I was stunned to learn he stands at 6’3 which means Fletcher Cox must be 7’3 even though he’s listed at 6’4. Something is certainly amiss, but we’re here to discuss Fletcher’s impeccable, imposing style and Vinny’s terrible choice in sneakers.
The “Natural Baller” shirt is a great example of making a statement in the easiest and cheapest way possible. Smart move by a guy playing on a rookie contract.
The caption says “Honey Badger’s biggest fan” but I’m almost 100% positive this is a tribute to living legend Marcus Allen, who wore No. 32 for Kansas City. Get your shit together, Chiefs.
This is fine, I guess. But I find Christmas Todd Gurley to be infinitely better.
Protect, Attack, Snack = Baby Yoda brilliance. And while I had no idea there was an undrafted rookie on the Bengals named Freedom Akinmoladun, he is now my favorite Bengal. It doesn’t take much.
Joshua Kalu & Tye Smith???
A giant Zack Morris/Gordon Gekko cell phone? Man, the Titans are kicking on all cylinders.
Notice T.Y. Hilton’s loafers and belt match his wild shirt. A true veteran move.
Expressive Cardinals linebacker Cassius Marsh wins in all facets here. Gotta be the happiest guy on a 5-10-1 team that the world has ever witnessed.
I’m quite certain Joe Haden’s chain could easily swapped for a very nice car. I’m also quite certain that Joe Haden’s pants could easily be swapped for pants that fit. Once again — because I just can’t stress this enough — it’s the worst trend going right now.
On a similar note, I’m positive Eddie Jackson’s chain and accompanying watches and rings could be exchanged for several cities across the United States.
Arthur Blank looks like a classic movie villain with intentions that are so obviously insincere.
A Bunch Of Titans
It feels like each week there’s been at least one “Welcome To Death Row” moment and this might be the best one yet. And that, of course, brings us to… THIS.
A customized Houston Texans varsity jacket. They just can’t help themselves, although having the name on the back in script (scroll left to the 3rd photo) is a very nice touch.
The Sprayground Shark is freakin’ everywhere. The other day I saw a hoodie with that logo on the hood itself and it was priced at $600. So it’s safe to say that bag goes for roughly $6.3 million.
Eagles DB Cre’Von LeBlanc with the Burberry shirt to go with the Burberry shoes. Expertly done. ‘Nuff said.
Gonna go with a swift and firm NAH on this one. Rough year for the Raiders.
The watermark is a dead giveaway but even without it, one look at the shades and you know this dude plays for the Dolphins.
An L.T. throwback jersey shirt? Hell fucking yes.
Didn’t know this until now, but I’m gonna be needing a giant gold chain that simply says “TIM” sooner than later. Appreciate this wake-up call, ALBERT.
I will always take the opportunity to say “it’s all Gucci, mayyyyne” whenever it presents itself.
Packers WR Allen Lazard doesn’t exactly shatter the buzz meter (31 catches, 2 TDs) but he is wearing Supreme, which, in Green Bay is like spotting Big Foot on the Lower East Side of Manhattan. So major props to Allen for that.
I need Davon Godchaux’s winter coat like I need coffee the second I wake up. That shade of green is some next level shit.
Anthony Walker Jr.
Colts linebacker Anthony Walker Jr. with the old detachable beard look. Special stuff.
Cam Jordan has been killing it with the customized cleats all season long, this time going with the sensational Home Alone “Filthy Animal” theme.
A final look at Field Trip Daniel Jones. It just never, ever stops and I sincerely hope it never, ever does.
This has nothing to do with fashion but it’s the perfect way to finish up this installment. What. A. Photo. This one couldn’t possibly be any more Eli and Daniel Jones than it already is. Outrageous, hilarious and endlessly awkward. Just the way we like it.