BYU QB Zach Wilson Took Two BYU Cheerleaders To Senior Prom For A Wild Night Of No Sex

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Fun Fact: Did you know that BYU’s team colors are blue to symbolize the color of the color of their collective ballsacks?

Yeah, you won’t find that little tidbit on the school website.

But, what you will find on the BYU website is the school’s honor code that every little boy and girl must abide by to get into heaven.

  • Be honest (Does cheating on every final count?)
  • Live a chaste and virtuous life (Lol.)
  • Obey the law and all campus policies (Fair enough)
  • Use clean language (Cock, balls)
  • Respect others (Indeed)
  • Abstain from alcoholic beverages, tobacco, tea, coffee, and substance abuse (Last time I checked you could drink wine in church. Drinking 19 Natty Ice’s a night is comparable)
  • Participate regularly in church services (The packie is my church)
  • Observe Dress and Grooming Standards (Like trimming pubes?)
  • Encourage others in their commitment to comply with the Honor Code (Encourage snitching. Nah brah.) 

Given the stringent moral laws of Mormon students, this story about BYU quarterback Zach Wilson is all the more frustrating.

First let’s take a look at Zach. There isn’t a living, breathing male reading this who hasn’t had a girl ghost him for a guy who looks exactly like this.

What a hunk!

It was announced on national television last night that sophomore quarterback took not one, but two BYU cheerleaders he couldn’t fornicate with to his high school prom.

Zach’s mom, Lisa, explained on Twitter how her son managed the impressive feat.

Basically the deal was, we would let him graduate early but he had to go to Prom and walk with his class. He was so enthralled with Spring Ball, asking someone to Prom was the last thing on his mind. 4 days before I told him he better find a date or I would find one for him…

So he was hanging out with some BYU friends. Explained his dilemma and 2 cute cheerleaders offered to help him out. So he took both 😉 lots of dancing, no door step moment.

I hope he left room for Jesus while dancing to Stairway to Heaven. And by Jesus I mean massive hard-on.

Matt Keohan Avatar
Matt’s love of writing was born during a sixth grade assembly when it was announced that his essay titled “Why Drugs Are Bad” had taken first prize in D.A.R.E.’s grade-wide contest. The anti-drug people gave him a $50 savings bond for his brave contribution to crime-fighting, and upon the bond’s maturity 10 years later, he used it to buy his very first bag of marijuana.