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THE HEADLINES

 

SPIN DOCTORS

Tim Cook put on a clinic in managing expectations. Apple’s Q4 earnings were in line with the company’s abysmal forecast update last month. Shares rose almost 6% after-hours following the report. Textbook underpromise, overdeliver.

Of course, the company’s revised guidance earlier this month sent shares down more than 8%.

The good

Welp, Timmy iPhones wasn’t lying about having a really sh*tty holiday season. The employer whose sweatshops are second to none, beat (revised) expectations slightly, with FQ1 revenue of $84.3B. Earnings per share also beat forecasts at $4.18 vs. $4.17.

The bad

A slight top-line beat doesn’t look so hot when you consider AAPL fell off from the same period in 2018 ($84.3B vs. $88.29B). This was the first time in more than a decade that both revenue and profit fell in the period beginning in December. For context, you were texting “u up?” on this thing the last time that happened.

But it gets worse! Apple fanboys and girls held onto their iPhones for longer, lowering mobile phone revs by more than 15% YOY. And China is still a thorn in Cook’s side.

Going forward things don’t look much better. Apple expects the current quarter will fall short of expectations.

The ugly

All of this comes just a day after news broke that a bug in iPhone’s FaceTime allowed callers to eavesdrop on those they were calling before they picked up. To make matters worse, the hardware (and service!) company failed to address the bug until news of it went viral on social media.

ONLY BANKRUPTCY CAN PREVENT WILDFIRES

California utility giant Pacific Gas and Electric filed for bankruptcy on Tuesday even though it technically didn’t have to …

So then why did they do it?

PG&E is potentially on the hook for damages in excess of $30B thanks to its part in sparking the devastating California wildfires of 2018. The decision to declare bankruptcy will temporarily protect the utility from the $30B in claims and allow it to negotiate the penalties in bankruptcy court.

But it could be worse. The state could have held the company accountable for the 2017 fires that killed twenty-two people. Last week state legislators went all Maury Povich, announcing … “PG&E is … NOT to blame.”

The show goes on

In typical California fashion, the show goes on. This is not a bankruptcy of the liquidation variety and PG&E has vowed to keep the lights on and make critical investments to provide electricity and natural gas to its 16M customers across California.

 

GOING GOING BACK BACK TO BRUSSELS BRUSSELS

With just weeks until Brexit becomes “official,” British PM Theresa May who had been pushing for a no-deal exit, will now be forced to pull off a f*cking miracle.

This comes after Parliament voted down an amendment to extend the Brexit date on Tuesday. Shortly after, the UK’s legislative body voted against a May backed amendment that wouldn’t all Britain to leave the EU without a deal.

One of May’s few remaining plays includes leaving British Parliament divided over alternatives to her original deal which died a horrible death last month on the floor of Parliament. May’s plan is to revisit the original Brexit documentation, which, for the record, the EU has said can’t be reopened. The PM is hoping that the MP’s inability to agree will force the body to accept her altered terms.

The bottom line

So let me get this straight … May is off to EU HQ in Brussels to renegotiate a 585-page legal text, that is apparently non-negotiable with less than 8-weeks to spare? Then, if she clears that hurdle, she’ll need to convince Parliament to accept the agreement which was handed a historic defeat the first time around?

Got it.

 

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IN OTHER NEWS

• You know the times are a-changin’ when ISIS has better luck recruiting millennials than the Hell’s Angels. Harley Davidson barely broke even last quarter according to its latest earnings reports. Why? Millennials aren’t exactly lining up to buy hogs and high tariff costs have eaten into profits.

 

• Brazillian police arrested five individuals as part of an investigation related to a dam collapse that killed at least 65 (so far). The dam owned by iron ore producer Vale, broke last week unleashing water and “mining waste” on surrounding towns. One can only surmise that death by “mining waste” is a top 10 worst way to die.

 

• Confidence fell for the third straight month amongst US consumers. Ungrateful bastards. The (completely arbitrary) consumer confidence index fell from 126.6 to 120.2 and was driven by the government shutdown and economic uncertainty.

 

• Just in case you were starting to think NFL didn’t stand for “No Fun League,” remember that Devour Foods was barred from running its (original) #FoodPorn ad during the Super Bowl. The company will, however, be showing a more vanilla version during the big game. Controversial ads are nothing new, but Devour went above and beyond yesterday, running ads on PornHub (don’t worry, it’s safe for work) as part of a PR campaign.

 

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