Dick’s Sporting Goods Will Stop Selling Assault Rifles; Pizza Hut Becomes Official Pizza Of NFL

The Water Coolest

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Estimated Read Time: 3 minutes and 41 seconds



Dick’s Sporting Goods announced that they would no longer carry “assault” style weapons, and raised their minimum purchase age for guns to 21. Their decision was both applauded and reviled by the masses, as every public announcement in the age of social media is. No matter where you stand, we can all agree it was a great day for people who like to make phallus references online.

Dick’s wasn’t the only retailer moving to the top of the NRA’s naughty list. Walmart joined the party, raising their minimum firearm purchase age to 21, and halting the sale of assault-style weapons. Walmart hasn’t sold “modern sporting rifles” since 2015, but it’s always good to remind the folks at home that you’re being progressive.

The federal law currently states that licensed gun dealers are allowed to sell hunting rifles to anyone over the age of 18, and handguns to those over 21, but individual retailers are free to set their own guidelines.

Water Cooler Talking Point: “Walmart is a bit of a shocker. I honestly thought you’d be able to go in there and get a free assault rifle with purchase of specially marked jars of mayonnaise until the end times.”



Just a day after announcing that Papa John’s would no longer be supplying its “better ingredients” pizza as the official pie of the NFL, the league announced that Pizza Hut will become its new provider of diabetes-inducing game day snacks.

The deal was delivered hot-n-ready into Pizza Hut’s lap thanks to some unfortunate comments from John Schnatter, Papa John’s (former) CEO. Schnatter criticized the NFL for its handling of player protests and blamed the league for poor sales.

In retrospect, that probably wasn’t a good idea. The criticism led to support that was, well, unwanted. At one point the Papa became the unofficial pizza partner of alt-right white supremacists.

While Pizza Hut boasts 7,200 stores nationwide with 150,000 employees, like its pepperoni providing predecessor, it isn’t a go-to Sunday spot for football fans. But the Hut is betting that the deal will translate to an uptick in takeout orders.

Water Cooler Talking Point: “Gotta love when you’re sent an earthly blessing from the pizza gods above. The C-Suite at Pizza Hut must have done some seriously good deeds in a past life. Still can’t believe the Papa, though. Criticizing the NFL?! C’MON MAN!”



Bill Ackman founder and CEO of Pershing Square Capital Management has been busy for the past half-decade, throwing his entire arsenal at Herbalife, the company he chided as a pyramid scheme.

Ackman, one of the most well-known activist investors has been waging total war against the “multi-level” marketer for the better part of five years. What began with a no-holds-barred, televised prize-fight pitting Ackman against Carl Icahn devolved into a complete sh*tshow. The Ack Man even went so far as to bring his burn book to life with a Netflix-quality documentary called Betting Zero.

And the activist investor didn’t just despise the weightloss-tea-peddler, he loathed it to the tune of a $1B short position. After exiting the short in October Ackman shifted his strategy to put options. But with shares of the stock rising over 65% in the past year, Ackman has finally thrown in the towel.

Out with the old, in with the new

As quickly as he could limp away from the Herbalife #fail with his tail between his legs, Ackman was sniffing out another deal. This time Ackman has United Technologies, the parent company of industrial giants like Pratt and Whitney, in the crosshairs. No word on how he plans to bring chaos and dysfunction to UTC.

Water Cooler Talking Point: “Why can’t every business decision play out like Ackman vs. Icahn’s CNBC spat? Mayweather vs. McGregor has nothing on two billionaires trading four-syllable verbal jabs and coming just short of a PPV fencing match to settle this once and for all.”




  • The Marshall Islands plans to release its own cryptocurrency as its official legal tender this year. Cryptocurrencies are already surrounded by questions, and this just adds one more: ‘Where the f*ck are the Marshall Islands?’
  • Google is publicly releasing its spin on modern workplace communication with Hangouts Chat. It will be part of the G suite so you’ll be able to access Drive and Docs within the app. Owen Wilson and Vince Vaughn are credited as Product Managers on the project.
  • Spotify has officially filed for it’s IPO on the New York Stock Exchange. They are foregoing the traditional hoopla of a marketing roadshow and the share-price setting process … and will instead determine their opening price by spinning the wheel of fortune.
  • Exxon Mobil will be pulling out … of a joint venture for research and exploration with Russian oil company Rosneft. Reasons for the split included EU and US sanctions of Russia … and that the Rosneft staff kept icing the Exxon employees.
  • US indices were down yesterday:
    • DOW: -1.50%
    • S&P 500: -1.11%
    • NASDAQ: -0.78%



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Let’s be honest, Papa John hasn’t always been the best advocate for his personal brand …

  • Exhibit A: Blacking out at the Louisville National Championship game
  • Exhibit B: Badmouthing the most popular sports league in the United States
  • Exhibit 1B: … and in the process becoming the unofficial, official pizza of the alt-right by opening a politically charged can of worms

Need I say more?

Tyler’s Unsolicited Advice: “Be “real” when it comes to building your brand. Just not TOO real. You want the entire office saying “they’re real and they’re spectacular” behind your back. But if the real you is a satanic cult leader (or alcoholic pizza magnate), bury that sh*t deep inside and deny, deny, deny.”