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THE HEADLINES

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BIG F*CKING REVEAL

“Shoot for the moon … even if you miss, you’ll land among the stars” isn’t just a quote plastered on middle-class white women’s Pinterest boards.

Elon Musk’s team of fixers have gone full DEFCON 1 on his most recent stunt. Their plan? Keep Tesla and Musk out of the news by sending a civilian to the f*cking moon (technically around the moon).

Today SpaceX will announce the passenger-cargo taking flight aboard its first manned mission. The plans are nothing new as Musk was approached by two wealthy madmen (presumably Jeff Bezos and Richard Branson who have had their own failures to launch) to go all October Sky as soon as this year.

But according to SpaceX and Musk, plans have changed and the company will utilize its BFR to take one “giant leap for (common) mankind.” Of course, this could push back the launch date as building an entirely new space shuttle technically is rocket science …

Water Cooler Talking Point: “Please let it be Lance Bass.”

 

WELCOME TO SCRANTON

If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Staples $482.7M all-cash deal to acquire Essendant was anything but “easy.”

Staples, which made an offer of $11.50 per share in April, upped the ante last week since they apparently can’t take no for an answer. Essendant, who had previously made an agreement with Genuine Parts Co, will end that agreement and accept Staples new offer of $12.80 per share. Genuine, understandably heartbroken, will not submit a counteroffer.

Staples will also pay a $12M breakup fee to Genuine Parts, for, ya know, all their trouble. As it turns out, having two companies fight over you is good for business because shares of Essendant rose 3% on the news and have risen 36% on the year.

Water Cooler Talking Point: “Dunder Mifflin declined an invitation to submit a bid.”

 

WHO’S GOT THE TIME?

Time magazine hit the trading block just eight months after Meredith Corp. bought the company. Marc Benioff, co-founder, and CEO of Salesforce.com has agreed to purchase the publication for $190M.

According to Benioff, his purchase of the company will remain entirely separate from Salesforce, the software company he founded in 1999. The purchase is reminiscent of Amazon founder Jeff Bezos’ purchase of The Washington Post last year. Bezos spent $250M on WaPo. Like Benioff’s purchase, Bezos has kept the operation of the publication separate from the inner workings of Amazon.

Time has been actively cutting its circulation, while it focuses on shifting content to the digital realm. A real novel strategy they’ve got there. With that being the case, being bought by an internet mogul and billionaire is certainly a step in the right direction.

Water Cooler Talking Point: “Well, I guess we know who’s winning Time’s Person of the Year award this year … and every year for the foreseeable future.”

 

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IN OTHER NEWS

• Sorry, Dealbreaker, it looks like Jamie Dimon won’t be running for President in 2020. Despite his recent criticism of Donny Politics, the JPMorgan CEO backtracked on his claims, citing machismo.

 

• PE shop, Silver Lake will invest $600M in AMC theatres as Chinese investor group Dalian Wanda looks to exit its position in the company. In its press release, Silver Lake included the taunt: “Suck it, MoviePass.”

 

• Blackstone plans to raise the largest real estate fund ever, an $18B pool which will focus mostly on distressed properties. If the fund closes, Blackstone will oversee the six largest real estate funds in the United States.

 

• Teva, the world’s largest generic drugmaker, has won FDA approval on its migraine drug Ajovy. The drug is expected to bring in $500M in sales by 2022.

 

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