4 Ways To Deal With Workplace Bullies That Won’t Land You In Prison

by 11 months ago
Two Male Colleagues Fighting In Office

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It doesn’t matter who a person is or what position they hold within a company, there always seems to be some spineless shit-bird trying to make their lives a living hell.

Today, we deal with those bastards!

The workforce is different than high school in the sense that it is not always a popularity contest that determines who will earn the most money and reach higher levels of success.

But in a lot of ways, the presence of workplace bullies is a brutal reminder that perhaps for the rest of our working lives, there will always be some fragile scumbag out there so intimidated by our badassery that they’ll go to great lengths to make our time on the clock nothing short of a miserable experience.

But unlike those awkward high school years, these hooligan attacks at work do not start with a sucker punch or an attempt to pull one’s underwear up over their head.

Instead, workplace bullies might, at first, try to convince someone that they are their best friend.

Eventually, however, the underhanded compliments and other derogatory remarks start to ooze from their lips like the sewer slime that they are.

The office torment might get so bad at some juncture that the victim — someone who just like the rest of us is out there trying to earn a living — might finally reach their wit’s end and launch into full-blown, somebody’s about to get fucked up retaliation mode.

That’s when they might drag the office thug outside by his ball sack and beat him unmerciful across every inch of his ugly mug with a loaded stapler.

Zwap, Bang, Pow!

There is no doubt that this bashing of the bully would make the victim feel better for a minute, up until the point when the cops showed up to drag his ass to jail for assault.

The situation would go from bad to worse once he realized that he no longer had a job and is looking at a five-year stint in state prison.

And if that dude thought the bullying around the office was terrible, just wait until he experiences the back-biting harassment that the pokey has to offer. So it stands to reason that rather than beat the ever-living-shit out of workplace bullies, we must find ways other than violence to deal with these punks.

That way we can keep our jobs, a clean criminal record and perhaps even put an end to the daily browbeating that these pieces of donkey dung put us through.

We realize that some of you redneck bruisers might find it challenging to take the high road in these kinds of situations, but we are here to help. Here are four ways to handle workplace bullies without thumping skulls.

Call The Bully Out On His Shit

While it might seem more natural to just punch one of these ruffians in the throat and watch him gag on pieces of his larynx while you enjoy a cup of coffee, a better approach is to just use words when standing up for yourself.

Think of this in terms of prison.

Even if you’ve never been incarcerated, everyone knows that on day one, if someone calls you a “bitch,” and you don’t make an effort to whip their ass, you are going to spend the rest of your days fighting for your life.

The same philosophy applies to the workplace. When bullying occurs, just deal with it right then and there.

But rather than throwing hands, just firmly express your disdain for the treatment and let them know it will not be tolerated.

Forbes columnist Heidi Lynne Kurter suggests addressing their abusive remarks head on – no matter if they are co-workers or upper management.

Let these pricks know that you are not going to be an easy target, and they’ll most likely move on to easier prey.

Find An Allied Force Inside The Office

It can be challenging to track down someone at work you can trust, much less someone who will listen when things get heated.

Chances are, the workplace bully that you have been forced to contend with has also stuck in the craw of others.

So, pay attention to how your co-workers conduct themselves around the asshole and try to determine which of them (it can be more than one) could be an ally when it comes to ending the bully’s reign of terror.

If nothing else, just complaining about his or her foul behavior to another person might make you feel better about the situation.

It might be just what you need to keep from driving home with that bastard hogtied in your trunk.

Keep A Detailed Record of The Bully’s Assholishness


It is not good enough in this day and age to tell management that a co-worker or even a senior team leader is harassing you to the point of wanting to quit.

It’s also not a good look to just go ratting out every person who fucks with you on occasion. But if you genuinely feel like you are being bullied in the workplace, it might be a good idea to start documenting the assholishness that comes your way.

Kurter suggests keeping a detailed log, including a list of witnesses, that can be presented to Human Resources (HR) once the situation swells into a pain that can no longer be stomached.

But be careful running to HR when dealing with your workplace bully. If word gets around that you’re a rat, it could make life on the job even worse than it was before.

Use the asshole log only after you have entertained every other option. Just remember that if push comes to shove, you can always retaliate by pouring a little sugar in the bully’s gas tank or by banging his old lady.

The possibilities are endless.

Stand Up For Others That Are Getting Bullied

One of the best methods for combatting bullying in the workplace is to embrace a take-no-shit attitude when it comes to this behavior – even when it doesn’t immediately affect you.

Speaking up when you see someone getting bullied is a reliable method for showing these types of douchebag instigators that you think they suck and that they may even be close to getting popped in the mouth.

The reprisal can be as simple as saying something like, “Hey man, cut the shit!”

Standing up for others will also help to create more allies within the company, which only stands to make you a force to be reckoned with.

It is one of those situations where one must lead by example, showing the rest of the tribe that it isn’t necessary to degrade or make others feel unwelcome to keep their jobs.

Once again, we’re all just trying to collect a paycheck and get on with our lives.

So if you are one of these good-for-nothing tyrants giving your co-workers a hard way to go, just know that they may not have read this article and are presently searching for more malicious ways to take your ass out.

We’d tell you to watch your back, but you’ve got it coming.

[via Forbes]

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Mike Adams is a freelance writer for High Times, Cannabis Now, and Forbes. You can follow him on FacebookTwitter, and Instagram.


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