Hearing Early Tesla Investors Brag About Their Net Worth Now Is A Recipe For Rampage

Over the years, we’ve seen a thousand iterations of this dumb joke: “How do you know if someone does __________? They’ll tell you.” As in, how do you know if someone does Crossfit? They’ll tell you. How do you know if someone went to Harvard? They’ll tell you. Etc.

Unfortunately, it’s too apt not to use with Tesla stockholders. How do you know if someone made a bunch of money buying Tesla shares early on? They’ll tell you.


Brandon Smith does not own one of Tesla Inc.’s sleek electric cars. In the small town south of Milwaukee where he lives, even seeing one on the road is rare.

But in late June 2017, Smith poured $10,000 of savings into Tesla’s stock. He said it was the first time he’d ever invested in a company. That was just the start. Each paycheck, Smith, a video producer, would pay his bills and then buy additional shares with the rest.

“I don’t make six figures, and I don’t know anything about puts and options,” Smith, 32, said in a phone interview. “I’ve just bought and held the entire time. I’ve never sold a single share.”

Doyyyy see how easy it is? You just buy, and then you don’t sell it, and now I’m a millionaire!

Maybe, Brandon. Maybe. But you know something? I bought Tesla a year ago. 1 share. Then my friends who actually work as successful traders called me a sheep. Said I had bought Tesla along with so many other sheep. Said it was a volatile stock whose future was uncertain given how crazy Elon Musk is. Guy goes on Rogan, smokes a blunt, and the stock craters. They laughed at me.

So I sold it. I think I lost $9. No harm, no foul. Do you know what that share would have been worth today, had I held on to it?

Me neither. Something happened where the stock split, and then had children, and I don’t have a clue how to do the math on that. But I gotta believe I’d have more money. I’m not saying I’d have Brandon Smith money, but I’d be a richer man, surely.

At least I’m not a sheep though.

There’s nothing I hate more than hearing stories from people who did something “obvious” to make money. Bill Gates and Jeff Bezos give me peace because I could never have done what they did. But when regular civilians brag about how they bought Tesla in 2017 and just kept HODORing until today? Shut up. Hindsight is 20/20, jerk. Unfortunately, for many of us, life is a series of missed opportunities caused by a fear of risk. We work every day and squirrel away a few more bucks here and there for the long winter. Every so often, we buy ourselves a nice pair of boots. And we enjoy those boots. But we’d enjoy them a lot more if they were a Tesla. And it’s chaches like you who remind us that we missed out. You’re a walking FOMO alert, Brandon. And you’re not invited to any Christmas parties this year.