Oh, sick. SB15 is coming up, what’s the plan looking like, bro? Cabo? Cruise? Your grandfather’s beachfront mansion? In all likelihood, your vision of Spring Break has already fallen apart and you’re doing everything in your power to save face. Here’s why:
1. Nobody knows what they want.
My father, when not on the phone yelling at me for something, often tells me that kids in their twenties are the worst people on Earth. We don’t know what we want. Ever. Imagine giving five guys in their twenties a 20 dollar bill each, putting them in a room, and giving them an hour to decide where they want to eat lunch. Doug wants Chipotle, but Tim says the local Chipotle totally stiffs you on chicken. Michael poses the idea of Qdoba instead, but Martin points out that the quality of their food is not directly correlated with the price. Drew nudges Tim and asks him if he’ll cover him for lunch, because Drew already spent his $20 on weed.
See what I mean?
2. You’re fucking broke.
It doesn’t matter how much tax-free cash you made selling mid to your frat bros during the semester. Even if it was that good shit your cousin’s friend’s roommate sent out here from California in unmarked packages, money is always a limiting factor for Spring Break planning. Before you get all “Hold up dude, I’m not a baller on a budget WANNA SEE MY CHECKING ACCOUNT” on me, I’m not talking about you specifically. Usually the dude that has the money problems is the one who is totally into the plan but completely avoids talking about it. He’s the last person to pay, and he may even try to avoid that by promising to pay the equivalent in weed or alcohol leaving everyone with the same “OK…” look on their face. In no way, shape or form am I chastising anyone for being fortunately wealthy, but it is no secret that Spring Break ain’t the cheapest week of your life. Maybe Brad shouldn’t have gotten that DUI in October and he’d have a couple grand in his pocket that didn’t go to a lawyer. I’m just saying.
3. Somebody has a girlfriend.
Fucking Emily, man. She won’t let Preston go on a cruise with us. Spring Break won’t be Spring Break without Preston! I wish he would just dump her ass, she’s not even that hot. He could do so much better. How many times has this happened to you? God forbid the “Preston” of your friend group venture outside of the continental United States, let alone his girlfriend’s sight. #FreePreston
4. Nobody can decide who is going to be in your group.
A bleeding heart is no help here; somebody always gets left out. Girls are the primary culprits. They’ll leave someone out of a situation based on a grudge they’ve held for something that happened in 2008. Example: Dude group A wants girls from girl group B and girl group C to come with them, and it initially looks good – members b1, b2, and b3 and c1, c2, and c3 of the respective groups are totally chill with each other. However, b4 resents c4 because c4 made out with b4’s ex boyfriend three days after b4 broke up with him and this presents a problem. The dam of bitchery shall fill and fill until it bursts upon the entirety of the poor souls of dude group A. RIP, dude group A.
5, Spring Break is a compulsion.
You have to go. You just have to! Nobody asks, “Are you going on Spring Break?” They ask, “Where are you going for Spring Break?” In all likelihood, your life wouldn’t actually be that different if you didn’t go anywhere for Spring Break ’15. I don’t think there are that many adults out there who honestly believe that their life would’ve been completely different had they made that last trip to Destin in ’81. Everyone always looks at the reasons TO go, but what are some of the reasons NOT to go? For starters, you’re probably not going to meet your future wife on a beach in Florida. I mean, unless the woman of your dreams gives you kisses that taste like dick and cigarettes. Then by all means, get ‘em killer! Secondly, safety is a conc-you know what, nevermind. I’m not your fucking dad, you figure out why a cost-benefit analysis of Spring Break might open your eyes to something. Lastly, you could get AIDS. Really. You never know.
6. Not a single person can leave on the same day, and nobody wants to drive.
Becky and Lauren are sociology majors and consequently have never had to do any work in their lives, so they can leave on Thursday. Matt, Ryan, and Blake all have a Finance exam Thursday night. The other guys, including the guy Becky has a crush on, have class that requires attendance on Friday morning. Since Becky painstakingly offered to drive her car, Lauren and some other girls want to ride down Thursday night. However, Becky wants to stay because she’d LOVE for the guy she has a crush on to ride in he-OH MY GOD DO YOU SEE HOW STUPID THIS SOUNDS? Even though it was a fictional scenario, I would bet my first born child that something similar has happened somewhere. Becky, you SUCK.
“Spring Break, betch. It’s going down.” Yeah, it’s going down about as well as eating a saltine with drymouth