It's Time To Hand Out Some Superlatives To The Dudes On The Upcoming Season Of 'The Bachelorette'

ABC

With Game of Thrones ending soon, there is a void that will need to be filled. As a nation, we will all need something to rally around and watch so that we have something to talk about the next day. With all due respect to Chernobyl, that’s not it.

What we need is a new season of The Bachelorette. It’s the perfect thing to get us from the pollen-drenched days of spring to the sun-soaked days of summer.

This season’s Bachelorette is Hannah Brown, the self-described “hot mess” from the last season of The Bachelor. The former beauty queen and die-hard Alabama fan was somewhat of a surprise pick given her overall lack of screen time during the season and relatively early exit compared to other ladies who have moved on to become the Bachelorette, but once the surprise wore off, it completely made sense. That gal made for great television. She legitimately seems like a hot mess, not just like someone who would describe themselves as one.

Authenticity. What a concept!

Now, traditionally, The Bachelorette generally fails to capture the country’s attention in the same way The Bachelor does. However, you’d be a damn fool to sleep on the utter enjoyment that is watching jacked up and sleep-deprived dudes try and out alpha one another. It’s pretty wild.

It turns out that putting a gang of fellas in an artificial environment where their only nourishment is booze and sandwich meat and their only goal is to get the one girl in the room to look at them makes them just as crazy as the women who appear on The Bachelor. The unique form of batshit insanity that comes from participating on a reality television show is by no means limited to just one gender.

On Tuesday evening, ABC unveiled the slate of guys that will be vying for Alabama Hannah’s attention and affection. There are two Tylers, two Lukes, two Connors and someone named Chasen, which I don’t think is an actual word. But beyond the names, what else is there to learn about these distinguished gentlemen based solely on the bios that ABC has provided?

I’m glad you asked.

Most Likely To Exhaust America With Flying Metaphors: Chasen

ABC

Chasen. Still not a word.

Chasen is a pilot from the great state of Michigan who refers to himself as the “forever wingman” (pun very much intended). He also believes that women “always love a man in uniform,” which works out because as a commercial pilot, he is exactly that: a man in uniform.

I hate to break it to you Chasen but I’m not sure that a commercial pilot’s uniform is still applicable in that case. It’s not the 1960’s anymore, plus the secret is out that commercial pilots don’t really make that much money. They might do okay eventually, but as with most jobs, it takes some time.

To put it in a way Chasen would understand: to get a higher salary you need to taxi for a bit and wait for a gate to open up.

As for his air time on the show, I’m going to go ahead and say it’ll be a short flight, not much turbulence and should be getting to the destination much sooner than to be expected.

Most Likely To Refer To His Parents As His Roommates: Hunter

ABC

Wow. Look at Hunter.

Hunter is a pro surfer from California who recently quit his job at the World Surf League to devote his life to surfing. But wait a second! Homeboy also started a creative agency. What does the creative agency do? Ha! Who gives a shit? It’s creative. Have we mentioned that he’s a pro surfer?

Hunter sounds too good to be tr—”Hunter still lives at home with his parents.”

: GIPHY

Well, the surfing thing is still pretty cool.

Most Likely To Correct You About The Pronunciation Of His Name But Not Because It’s Hard to Pronounce: John Paul Jones

ABC

White dudes typically have one thing going for them (well, more than one, but like, whatever) and that it’s that we rarely have to correct people on how to say our names. I really feel like it’s a luxury that we don’t acknowledge nearly enough.

My dude John Paul Jones, though, apparently does not have that luxury. Why is that? Well, John Paul Jones seems to insist that you only refer to him as John Paul Jones. Not “John” or “John Paul” or “JP” or “Jones” or any other combination of those three names. Nope.

“When referring to John Paul Jones, always use his full name: John Paul Jones.”

Cool.

When referring to myself, always refer to me as the person who purposely does not use John Paul Jones’ full name when referring to him.

Get out of here with that nonsense JPJ.

Most Likely To Have Soooo Many Pictures On His Phone Of Random Kids: Matteo

ABC

I don’t know what’s more impressive: that Matteo is a very active sperm donor and “has helped create 114 children for all types of families” or that he once chugged a gallon of milk in ten seconds while competing in a talent show.

This is interesting though.

Matteo and his magic sperm graduated with a degree in mechanical engineering from Georgia Tech, he’s currently a management consultant, and also involved in a “virtual reality startup.” However, his dream job is to be a firefighter.

Pick a lane, Matteo!

Most Likely To Incorporate Tightrope Walking Into A Date: Ryan

ABC

First off, who walks tightropes these days? I thought we all agreed that slack-lining was cooler.

Either way, Ryan, an adventurous risk-taker from Philly, once tightrope-walked over a 300-foot canyon in Utah. He also loves ice cream.

Talk about adventure. Ryan, ice cream will kill ya.

So will being an Eagles’ fan.

Most Likely To Be The Resident Dick This Season: Grant

ABC

Grant is unemployed and “has no interest in hearing about your CrossFit workout plan or recent Instagram post.” Yeah, me neither Grant, but I have even less interest in hearing someone talk about having no interest in someone’s CrossFit workout plan or recent Instagram post. Let people live their lives, Grant!

Grant also claims to “be the real-life “The Dude,” yet his only reasoning for this is because he likes White Russians. THERE IS SO MUCH MORE TO THE BIG LEBOWSKI THAN WHITE RUSSIANS, Grant!

Damn it.

I hate Grant already.

Most Likely To Have His Mind Blown by Fireworks: Jonathan

ABC

Jonathan seems like a wonderful person. He’s a waiter in L.A. (which I suppose means he’s an actor) and despite describing himself as “the life of the party,” he loves “spending time with his family at church.” It’s hard to find any nits to pick when it comes to Jonathan.

My man also loves sparklers, apparently.

Yeah, sparklers. Not fireworks. Sparklers.

My daughter loves sparklers. She’s four.

Jonathan is 27. He loves sparklers.

I don’t have much to add here. Just felt the need to point that out.

Most Likely Candidate To Destroy Freestyle Rapping This Season: Cam

ABC

On the last season of The Bachelor, Hannah (one of the finalists, not future Bachelorette Hannah) admitted that “she’s been rapping for years.” Now Hannah does not in any way look like someone who has “been rapping for years” but who are we to judge. We live in strange times.

Maybe Hannah is a good rapper?

Yeah, Hannah is not a good rapper.

So this season we have Cam, who in his bio claims to be able to “freestyle rap about anything.” Cam is a 30-year-old software salesman from Austin, Texas, so excuse me if I’m skeptical.

A new wrinkle the franchise has added in recent years is that when it announces the next Bachelor or Bachelorette, they trot out a few of that season’s contestants. When they made the Alabama Hannah announcement, Cam was one of the dudes who made an appearance and he did so by coming in hot with bars.

Yeah, Cam is not good at rapping.

He does also play the harmonica, so maybe he should stick with that.

Most Likely To Make You Want To Think ‘Whoa, Settle Down There Buddy”: Matt Donald

ABC

Not to be confused with the other Matt, Matt Donald says in his bio that he “loves Hannah and he hasn’t even met her.” Uh, okay. Is this like how I love Zazie Beetz, but also haven’t met her? Because I’m pretty sure that’s not love.

Also, this isn’t just because Alabama Hannah loves Alabama football and Matt Donald loves Alabama football, is it? If so, not so great man. There are so many other things someone should look for in a potential mate before you even get to what teams they like.

I’m worried about Matt Donald.

Most Likely To Be The Only Dude Who Legitimately Cares About Your Dreams: Tyler G.

ABC

A few weeks ago I was talking to my cousin. He said the key to life these days is to have a side hustle. Tyler G. knows what’s up. He has a side hustle.

He’s a Dream Therapy Analysis.