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About 99% of the time when I go to write an article for BroBible I am usually writing because I have the answer to something, or at least I think I do. When it comes to wedding etiquette, I’m a complete disaster. Which brings up a very valid argument that I dove into on episode No. 37 of The Brilliantly Dumb Show, am I really about to give my friend $200 cash for getting married?
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At what point in the great history of wedding season was someone going to step up and say “enough is enough.” Here I am booking a two-way trip to some random island in Hawaii to go crush some finger food and champagne while talking to some stranger about a tech start-up he’s got going in San Francisco. Little does he know, the only thing that’s on my mind all week is making sure I nail the proper tip amount when it comes time to throw your cash in the basket. Was the money I dished out for hotel and airfare not enough? Do I really have to throw in a blender from the registry so that you can continue your celery juice cleanse that will only last a week? Is my friend taking into account the first cash tip I left him at his first wedding and deducting that off his second wedding I’m now going to?
I like the theory that I have heard of the “Friendship Value Grid” where you throw down $20 for every year you have been friends with the bride or groom. I think that’s the best way to go about it, this way if you don’t really like the person, you’re never going past the $60 mark of three years with the guy or girl. But who am I to make that decision for the boys and girls of past and future wedding traditions? I hope somebody steps up to the plate in the near future and makes the tough decisions that nobody wants to make.
Jim, I hope somewhere out there you are reading this, preferably after your wedding in Hawaii and thinking, “that cheap, crazy bastard is relentless, but I love him.” You and me both know damn well I don’t belong at table No. 5 which is full of best man attendees and immediate family. All that I ask is that when you break down who gave you what, you don’t hold me to table No. 5 standards. I have absolutely no business being at table No. 5 and we both know that.
But anyway, enjoy your overrated, over-hyped, Nutri Bullet I’m bringing you. In addition, go enjoy Episode No. 37 of The Brilliantly Dumb show where I put you on blast for sending me to your second destination wedding in three years. I love you bud, see you soon.
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