In Honor Of Lou Williams, These Are The BroBible Staff Picks For The Best Foods In Hopeless Places

by 2 weeks ago

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Humanity is forever indebted to Lou Williams for not only shining a spotlight on Magic City Gentlemen’s Club divine chicken wings, but also arming men with the now bulletproof excuse: “Honey, I swear I just spent Tuesday afternoon at the titty bar for the (chicken) breasts.” 

Leave it to the guy with two live-in girlfriends to save millions of marriages across the nation.

But Lou’s now iconic rendezvous with S.C.W. (Strip Club Wings) has taught us something even more profound: Prejudice and stigmatization have no place in the culinary industry. One really can find love in a seemingly hopeless place.

With this enlightened mindset, I enlisted the minds of my fellow BroBible colleagues to illuminate the unheralded items that transcend their places of origin.

So without further ado, I present to you BroBible’s Dumpster Diving Delights. 

IKEA MEATBALLS

Julian Stratenschulte/picture alliance via Getty Images


Jorge Alonso’s Pick

Anyone who’s spent an afternoon dragging their feet around this furniture retail giant knows that a full belly is a prerequisite for spending the rest of the day struggling to successfully assemble a plywood book case.

IKEA’s succulent and flavorful Swedish meatballs serve as one’s final meal before sending his manhood to the electric chair, which itself comes in 16 separate pieces.

It is confirmed, IKEA meatballs are the best thing to come out of Sweden since ABBA.

PENNE VODKA AT DELILAH’S GENTLEMEN’S CLUB AND STEAKHOUSE

Delilah/iStock Composite


J. Camm’s Pick

Branded as Philadelphia’s “Premiere Gentlemen’s Club and home to The World’s Most Beautiful Showgirls,” this respected institution is far more than that.

One bite of the enchanting penne vodka and you’ll be transported from that windowless glitter factory to the rolling hills of Tuscany, and to a time when you still had custody of your kids.

This divine dish also topped the list of Food & Wine’s Magazine’s “Top 10 Dishes To Eat While Sporting An Erection,” giving you two reasons to unbutton your pants after a big meal.

FIVE GUYS BREAKFAST SANDWICH

Cass Anderson’s Pick

When one thinks of Five Guys, he typically thinks of cheeseburgers, hand-cut fries, and more nuts on the floor than a hobbit orgy.

But if you’re willing to ruin your entire day just a few hours earlier, you can score yourself a gut-busting Bacon, Egg & Cheese Sandwich with grilled onions and grilled mushrooms. Five Guys incorporates the sesame bun in this seductively sloppy menu offering to set it apart from the pack, and for a small additional fee, will even phone an ambulance when you go into cardiac arrest.

BUFFALO SHRIMP AT HOOTERS

Hooters


Cass Anderson’s Wife’s Pick

I had to include this contribution from Cass’ wife because it sang to me.

Buffalo shrimp may be one of the last things one would consider ordering off the menu, behind the boneless wings, the 10th Miller High Life, and the waitress’s phone number, but do not sleep on these spicy crustaceans.

Plus, one should never take a menu recommendation lightly from someone who actually works at the restaurant. Boom roasted Cass’ wife.

SUBWAY CART WELCH’S FRUIT SNACKS SOLD BY A CHILD RAISING MONEY FOR HIS “BASKETBALL TEAM”

Composite


Connor Toole’s Pick

Anyone who’s lived in New York knows that the most one can expect from riding the subway is the pungent aroma of human feces, a kick in the face from an amateur pole acrobat, and the unwanted eye contact of a domestically challenged man pandering for Hamilton tickets.

If you’re one of the lucky ones, you’ll encounter a person too young to be riding the subway solo, selling delectable Welch’s fruit snacks to raise money for his middle school basketball uniforms. The snacks (MADE WITH REAL FRUIT) are not only a pleasant reprieve from the hell, but also an opportunity to become a minority owner in a basketball team after a short-lived NBA career.

CRAB FRIED RICE AT JFK AIRPORT’S JETBLUE TERMINAL

iStock/Getty Image Composite


Francis Ellis’ Pick

If you’ve never tried the crab fried rice at JFK’s JetBlue terminal, congratulations, you’re not a sociopath!

Francis grew up in one of those “healthy families” in Maine who put soy milk in their diet Kashi cereal and kissed each other on the lips. In his defense, it’s easy to say airport crab is delicious when it’s the very first thing you ate after being shipped away by Social Services.

But old habits die hard, and unfortunately the ghost of Francis’ past continues to haunt him in the form of a sack of dried fruit.

If you’re wondering how an otherwise reasonable man chooses dried fruit as his munchies binge, you’ve never grown up blowing birthday candles out of a rice cake.

BURGER KING’S CHICKEN SANDWICH

BURGER KING


Eric Ital’s Pick

What’s the first menu item that comes to mind when I type ‘Burger King’? Okay, now the one hundred and eighty third?

Yes, my friend: The Burger King Chicken Sandwich, named with no more effort than it deserves.

80% bread. 15% lettuce. 3% mayo. 2% breaded chicken ran over by a Ford F-150.

This chicken sandwich is food equivalent of a Bengals/Browns Thursday night game. You’ll consume it, but only because its your only option.

I respect Eric immensely, but this ain’t it.

COSTCO HOT DOGS

My pick. 

Kirkland Signature—from trampolines to dress shirts to hot dogs—the most diverse brand in the game.

$1.50 for a hot dog is unbeatable.

64 pack of toilet paper sold separately.  

 

PANDA EXPRESS BLACK PEPPER CHICKEN

Panda Express


My pick.

I was going through some shit.

WAWA CLASSIC ITALIAN HOAGIE

My pick.

The absolute best place to go after a hot-boxing your ’99 Camry because you can order all your food on a touch-screen and avoid speaking with other human beings. That cannot be understated. Long live Wawa.

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There you have it folks! WHAT DID WE MISS!?

 

 

Matt’s love of writing was born during a sixth grade assembly when it was announced that his essay titled “Why Drugs Are Bad” had taken first prize in D.A.R.E.’s grade-wide contest. The anti-drug people gave him a $50 savings bond for his brave contribution to crime-fighting, and upon the bond’s maturity 10 years later, he used it to buy his very first bag of marijuana.

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