Here’s One Man’s Dream Programming Schedule For BroTV, The Fictional Network SpikeTV Failed To Become
Men may control the remote in most households- but, most households continue to be programmed for women. While there’s never been more channels and viewing choices than there is today, TV remains predominantly female driven. Occasionally, a show targets both sexes. Most men have little to no interest in today’s biggest hits like American Idol, Real Housewives, Big Brother, Dancing with the Stars, Scandal, Madame Secretary, Two Broke Girls, Grey’s Anatomy, The Voice, The View, American Idol and Mom.
Take away all the ESPN’s and regional FOX Sports Networks and there’s not a single network committed to a primary male demo, now that Spike TV and The Esquire Network have officially closed up shop. Both networks miserably failed to capture the true essence of man and our real interests, instead choosing to focus on the unflattering and boring stereotypes of the male psyche. These networks simply fed off the cartoon version of “bros,” otherwise insulting us.
Instead of The Esquire Network becoming a sophisticated, culturally relevant vehicle based upon the respected magazine and media brand, the channel was more or less like E! Entertainment’s less attractive brother, with throw-away unscripted programming, such as “Friday Night Tykes,” “Joyride,” “Brew Dogs,” “Team Ninja Warrior” and “Best Bars in America.”
Spike TV, the self promoted, “First Network for Men” ran from June of 2003 to January 2018. Upon its cancellation, Entertainment Weekly called out its “lack of legacy.” The sultry Stripperella cartoon, courtesy of Pam Anderson and Stan Lee, failed to ignite anyone’s flames. While reruns of the Star Trek series and James Bond movies, along with pro wrestling and a regular man vs professional athletes competition series kept the network afloat, weird reality, parody type originals like ‘The Joe Schmo Show’ were less than memorable. ‘Lip Sync Battle’ was a relative hit, but is that really the kind of programming a male audience craves?
Yet a better question might be, ‘Are men that unfavorable of an audience?’
Yes, I get it- there’s a lot of bad apples in the bunch, including one orange hued, narcissistic, misogynist-in-Chief, who is a product of modern reality TV. Here’s the thing though- the nice Jewish boys your parents once told you about still exist. And even these boys like bro stuff.
So, on behalf of all the righteous, well-intentioned bros left, allow me to offer a solution, of what an authentic, successful, male TV Network would look like- one that appeals to bros of all ages, colors and creed. One without corporate or political influence.
I give you, BroTV.
Any show on the network needs to meet two basic requirements:
- Predominant intended target is men
- Possess at least one meaningful trait beyond sex appeal.
With these bro-lines, you won’t see a show like the 80’s bro-favorite hit, Charles in Charge, even though, when it was on TV, Nicole Eggert was still hot and Scott Baio was still cool. Unfortunately, it lacked substance. A show has to be more than just a beautiful woman and a slick dude, or in the case of Melrose Place and Baywatch…a plethora of beautiful women. At BroTV, we love grown-up words like “plethora,” which the juvenile, bro-cult classic film, Three Amigos, used so magnificently.
BroTV is not necessarily looking to re-invent the wheel, just to centralize and maximize male viewing pleasure. We won’t compete for live sports coverage nor tread on Playboy TV, nor directly seek Spike TV’s former audience.
Here’s the 24/7, BroTV program schedule:
Monday – Sunday from 6am – 10am (Little Bros Cartoon Block)
Is there a better drug free way for little bros and big bros to ease into a day than mindless, bro-centric cartoons? I think not. Do girls even watch cartoons?
The Flintstones (Yabba Dabba Doo!)
Bugs Bunny and Looney Tunes (What’s up Doc?)
Archie (Veronica or Betty?)
Josie and the Pussycats (Rockin’ girls)
Scooby Doo (Scooby and Shaggy are best bros)
Yogi Bear (Yogi and Boo-boo are better than your average bros)
League of Justice Superheroes (The cool kids fighting ‘The Legion of Doom’)
Monday – Sunday from 10am – Noon (LIVE BRO – Morning Block)
*Not necessarily the news – Intoxicating female anchors let us know what’s up in the world, everything from weather to things coming up.
An informed man is a better man.
Monday – Sunday from Noon – 5pm (BRO-Runs)
Re-runs of the best, exclusively bro-driven series from our youth.
Adventures of Superman – The original 1950’s series with George Reeves
Batman – The original 1960 series with Adam West
Wonder Woman – The original 1970 series with Lynda Carter
Charlie’s Angels – The sexiest women of their time had brains and beauty.
Six Million Dollar Man – Real man Lee Majors is actually a bionic man = totally bro!
Magnum P.I. – Tom Selleck’s mustache and a red convertible Ferrari in Hawaii = cha-ching.
Gilligan’s Island – The Skipper, the Professor, the Millionaire (and his wife), a little bro buddy, Ginger and Mary Ann
Monday – Sunday from 5pm – 8pm (BRO-Hour)
Aka ‘happy hour’ which every bro knows is never just a single hour. Ironic that all the bro shows in this block are ‘family’ sitcoms.
Happy Days – The coolest bro on the planet will always be: ‘The Fonz.’
Married with Children – The coolest Dad on the planet will always be: Al ‘4 Touchdowns’ Bundy.
The Addams Family – Morticia, Gomez, Lurch, Uncle Fester and Morticia!
Martin – Hands down, the funniest and coolest sitcom starring Martin Lawerence of the 90s. It is also the only sitcom starring Martin Lawerence of the 90s, but that’s neither here nor there.
Fresh Prince of Bel-Air – Will Smith was cool and so were all his fine girlfriends. His brother Carlton was not cool, but his dance was- he modeled it after Springsteen’s moves in “Dancing in the Dark.”
Family Guy – Beer, farts, fights, a talking dog, a talking baby and Giggity.
PRIMETIME from 8pm – 11pm (BRO-TIME)
Monday – ‘Bro Action and Romance’
The A-Team – Mr. T leads a team of good-guy vigilantes
24 – Jack Bauer is the man and if you don’t think so, you’re no bro of mine.
Moonlighting – The show made Bruce Willis a bona fide bro’s bro, quickly solving crimes while slowly romancing his partner
Tuesday – ‘Bro Games’
The Dating Game – Original version from 1960’s-80’s that is too naughty for today
The Gong Show – The original zany Chuck Barris version from 1976-1980
Remote Control – The wild MTV hit that was the network’s first non-musical original program. Helped launch Adam Sandler , Denis Leary and Colin Quinn.
Singled Out – Another MTV creation and the original reality dating game show with two different bombshell bro-hosts, Jenny McCarthy and Carmen Electra.
*Fight Club – Hour long clip show of Boxing, Sumo Wrestling, MMA, Roller Derby, Lingerie Football, Mud and Baby Oil Wrestling
*Wednesday – ‘Hump Night for Bros’
*Just The Tip – The hosts of MLB Network’s nightly QuickPitch and Los Angeles TV weather girls feature pro athletes, musicians, comedians, entertainers, health professionals, bartenders, etc. offering all kinds of everyday male-centric tips.
*Eating and Drinking – A Bro visits best places to eat and drink around the world with his boys and special guests.
*Cool Stuff – Think the defunct G4’s ‘Attack of the Show,’ but not limited to geeks and games. Bro-wifey crush Leslie Mann introduces everything from the latest gadgets to private collections to tours of amazing bachelor pads and ‘Mancaves.’
*The Howard Stern Hour – Howard can do whatever he wants with the hour, as long as he never mentions The Bachelor, The Bachelorette, America’s Got Talent or Dancing with the Stars.
Thursday – ‘Bros will be Bros’
Cheers – A former Boston Red Sox pitcher and ladies man runs a bar.
Seinfeld – There’s an episode called, ‘The Bro.’ And….“shrinkage.”
Curb Your Enthusiasm – Sorry Ray Romano, every bro loves Larry.
Dream On – An early HBO show about a divorced bro writer/editor with a young son who are both trying to and successfully getting laid.
Californication – Women want to be with Hank Moody and men want to be him.
Get Smart – Austin Powers before Austin Powers in a TV series from the 60’s.
Friday – ‘Bro Flix’
*Bro Movie of the Week – Discussion and behind-the-scenes clips hosted by a couple of major league bros, along with a bro-classic movie.
Saturday – ‘Bro Rocks’ (Rock and Roll is the only proper bro choice of music)
*Steven Van Zandt’s Underground Garage Music Series – The coolest kid in rock ’n roll hosts an all-access music hour based upon his long-running radio series
*Saturday Night Concert Series – Live (taped) concerts from the Rolling Stones, AC/DC, Aerosmith, Pearl Jam, Bruce Springsteen and Rush are among the bro favorites showcased every Saturday Night.
Sunday – ‘Bro Sundays’
Entourage – Ari Gold and New York City turned Hollywood bros
The Sopranos – New Jersey bro cool
*LIVE Sunday Night Sports Show – Highlights from the week that was in sports, hosted by a couple of sports bros
Monday – Sunday 11pm – 11:30pm (BRO-Nightly)
*The Men’s Room with guy’s girls Jillian Barberie, Katy Tur and Kaylee Hartung. The rotating female hosts lead a nightly lively roundtable discussion on the day’s news and entertainment with a different weekly collection of celebrity bros.
Monday – Sunday from 11:30pm – 2am (BRO Late-Night)
The Larry Sanders Show – HBO’s critically acclaimed talk show parody starring bro genius Garry Shandling and a plethora of bro guests.
Late Night with David Letterman (The NBC years) – Velcro Dave, tossing watermelons off the roof, Stupid Human Tricks and Larry ‘Bud’ Melvin.
The Man Show – Can’t help but think Benny Hill spawned this brilliant American creation that both father and son can enjoy together. Ziggy Zocky, Ziggy Zocky, Oye, Oye, Oye. The original master hosts Jimmy Kimmel and Adam Carolla made no apologizes about being men. Unfortunately, I must apologize for all men for the second crop of hosts, Doug Stanhope and Joe Rogan, who unceremoniously killed the perfect bro show.
The Benny Hill Show – This iconic British comedy sketch show remarkably aired from 1955 to 1991 in more than 140 countries. The sexist, good-natured buffoonery would never fly today- which is exactly why it’s perfect for 2am.
Monday – Sunday from 2am – 6am (BRO Later)
Let’s face it. If you’re a bro who’s watching TV between 2am and 6am, your state of mind is a bit fuzzy. Lucky for you, we will provide a seemingly random loop of awesomeness that calms your weary brain.
The Three Stooges – Larry, Moe and Curly cure all ills, always
Girls Jumping on Trampolines – Mesmerizing genius at work courtesy of The Man Show
Clips from Chive TV’s “Awesomeness” – People doing entertaining things on camera.
NFL Cheerleading highlights from NFL Films – in slow-motion of course.
Fish-tanks – Serenity now!
Live coverage and features on Bro events from around the world like: Running of the Bulls, Mardi Gras, Super Bowl, Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show.
Annual Bro Awards Show – of course we’re gonna’ have one bro carpet event!
Documentaries – stimulating variety of bro topics
BroTV ID’s, Coming Ups and Interstitials fill out the schedule throughout the day.
Also, a number of BroTV Icons offer wisdom, inspiration and fun via clips:
A Moment with The Murricane: Bill Murray
The Dude Abides with Jeff Bridges
Honoring Hef – Tributes to OG BroTV Hall of Famer, Hugh Hefner
Bits of Bourdain – Anthony Bourdain was the ultimate man’s man. May he #RIP.
Stand-Up clips from: George Carlin, Dave Attell, Steve Martin, Richard Pryor, Eddie Murphy, Don Rickles, The Roast Master General, Richard Lewis, Lewis Black, Garry Shandling, Dave Chappelle, Chris Rock, Artie Lange and other funny bros.
Tom Cruise Running – nothing else needs to be said.
*Original BroTV programming created by Steve Matoren, 2018
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All that’s left now is to find the right Hollywood ‘bro’ to launch BroTV. Someone like Ferris Bueller. If only he was real.
Bro-comedy mogul Judd Apatow would’ve been a perfect candidate if he hadn’t dove headfirst into the female comedy vortex. Not sure we can ever bring him fully back to the bro side. Then there’s Maverick Mark Cuban who spent some of his fortune producing a bro TV show with former E! personality Art Mann, traveling to festivals and events interviewing drunk men and women. Anyone who would put his money behind something like this certainly has big enough balls for BroTV. Besides Turtle, any other bros have Cube’s number?