Carbone, The Restaurant That Has Stiff-Armed My Reservation Attempts For A Decade, Is Now Offering Delivery

Mario Carbone

Getty Image / Paul Yeung/South China Morning Post

Oh, how the mighty have fallen. Where once, a table at Carbone was reserved for the rarified, boastful lyrics of Drake songs (“Maybe it never get old and that’s just how it goes / Last table left in Carbone”), it is now joining the ranks of the many pad thai conveyor belts and stale sushi assemblers whose food is left on your doorstep like an unwanted baby. Mwahaha. Please hold the plastic utensils, signore!

NY Eater– Starting Tuesday night, Major Food Group is launching delivery for its famed, swanky Italian-American spot Carbone on Caviar…

Rare and luxury food purveyor Regalis — known for supplying truffles and caviar to the city’s high-end restaurants — is offering a 25 percent discount on home deliveries for products like Japanese Hokkaido uni ($100 a tray) and black morels ($38 a pound). Suzuki is selling omakase boxes starting at $50, created by its Michelin-starred omakase Satsuki.

It’s like the first class passengers on the Titanic finally knowing how it feels to get your feet wet. I’m only kidding. Schadenfraude is an ugly shade to wear. Far be it for me to relish Carbone’s humbling relegation to a delivery restaurant. I’m cooking up a damn storm every night now, and I have not yet found that mythical satisfaction that supposedly accompanies a home-cooked meal. Probably because my shit sucks. Not only am I doing a ton of cooking and dishes, the food isn’t even pleasant.

You know who cooks amazing food? Carbone. Or so I’ve heard. Never had the pleasure. Lord knows I’ve tried. Every year for my birthday, I try to go. And every year, the reservations are gobbled up the second they go online. You know those bots that hypebeasts pay for to help them manipulate the SNKRS app? Do those fuckers work for restaurant reservations? Plz advise.

If golf is the great equalizer for athletes, the ronie is the great equalizer for restaurants. Now excuse me as I pay $400 for a Caviar driver to drive me some cacio pepe two hours across state lines. I don’t care if it’s cold.

PS- I hope they don’t see this blog. Would really love to try your venerable restaurant some day. Grazi.