China Reassures Citizens Anal Swab COVID-19 Tests Won’t Make You Waddle Like A Penguin After Doctored Video Goes Viral


If you told me at this time last year that Redditors would hijack the stock market and “anal swabs” would be a distributed by government officials, I probably would’ve changed my name to Kunu and offered surf lessons in Hawaii.

But GameStop and Anal Swabs are where we’re at at this point in history, so before you guzzle Drano, have a laugh at this story.

Chinese authorities have reassured its citizens that they won’t be walking like ‘penguins’ after receiving an anal swab to test for COVID-19, and that the video of citizens walking like they’d just spent Valentine’s Day with Lexington Steele was fraudulent.

The Shijiazhuang Internet Report Centre said the footage—which was reportedly filmed on 28 January in Shijiazhuang, the capital of Hebei Province in northern China—had been doctored to spread ‘rumor‘ before being posted to Weibo (Chinese Twitter). 

The video was viewed millions of times before being taken down.

China announced it would be testing anally on select groups, mainly high-risk cases and people in quarantine. Medical professionals insert a saline-soaked cotton swab about 1-2 inches long into the anus and rotate several times to obtain a sample that is said to be more accurate than nasal or throat testing.

It has yet to be reported whether the administering medical professional must buy the patient dinner and a movie after insertion.

According to Li Tongzeng, a doctor from the Beijing You’an Hospital, tests via one’s balloon knot, while invasive, is the most accurate test going.

“We found that some asymptomatic patients tend to recover quickly. It’s possible that there will be no trace of the virus in their throat after three to five days.

“But the virus lasts longer from the samples taken from the patient’s digestive tract and excrement, compared to the ones taken from the respiratory tract.

“If we conduct anal swabs for nucleic acid testing, it would increase the detection rates of patients and lower the chance of a missed diagnosis.”

I’m not above a good prostate milking, but I’d prefer to do it on my own terms in the shower while my wife is away on business. When we start to introduce a guy in a lab coat, that’s where I draw the line.


Matt Keohan Avatar
Matt’s love of writing was born during a sixth grade assembly when it was announced that his essay titled “Why Drugs Are Bad” had taken first prize in D.A.R.E.’s grade-wide contest. The anti-drug people gave him a $50 savings bond for his brave contribution to crime-fighting, and upon the bond’s maturity 10 years later, he used it to buy his very first bag of marijuana.