The ‘Cash Me Ousside’ Girl Is Now A Gold-Selling Rapper And That Is Not An ‘Onion’ Headline

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I was sold a lie. My whole life. Be kind, get good grades, go to college, stay out of trouble with the law, and good things will come. It was all a lie. If you disagree, tell me how Chris Brown is a millionaire or why O.J. Simpson is as free as a nudist’s ball sack.

Or, tell me how the Cash Me Ousside–the girl who was featured on the Dr. Phil episode titled “I Want To Give Up My Car-Stealing, Knife-Wielding, Twerking 13-Year-Old Daughter Who Tried To Frame Me For A Crime”– girl has amassed 12.6 million Instagram followers and recently landed a major record label deal with Atlantic Records that is said to be “worth millions.”

Tell me why, at 15 years old, Danielle Bregoli is touring next month and making $50,000 per show to lip sync and do Q&A’s with the audience under the rap name Bhad Bhabie.

Now, tell me why just became the youngest female rapper to chart on the Billboard Hot 100. The single–Hi Bich–has gone gold, selling 500,000 copies in the U.S. and garnering a 84 million YouTube views for the music video.

Bhad Bhabie celebrated her 15th birthday this week by releasing a single featuring Lil Yachty. It has close to 1 million views in less than two days and I swear I harbor no resentment.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to finish chugging this Windex.

[h/t TMZ]

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Matt’s love of writing was born during a sixth grade assembly when it was announced that his essay titled “Why Drugs Are Bad” had taken first prize in D.A.R.E.’s grade-wide contest. The anti-drug people gave him a $50 savings bond for his brave contribution to crime-fighting, and upon the bond’s maturity 10 years later, he used it to buy his very first bag of marijuana.