Getty Image Composite
Back in May, I created a phony Twitter profile for Dr. Anthony Fauci (@DrTonyFauci). I made the profile for the sole purpose of including an authentic-looking tweet in a post I wrote titled, ‘Dr. Fauci’s Daily Routine Now That He’s Been Cucked By The George Floyd Protests,’ which by all standards was received quite well.
I planned on deleting the account after I got what I wanted for the post, so I didn’t put much brainpower into the profile optics.
I only followed one person, but I made sure it was another member of the medical community for credibility sake.
I woke up the following morning, mindlessly logged onto Twitter, and found that I had been tagged more than a chubby kid playing manhunt. People from all over the country were either treating me like their last beacon of hope or telling me to social distance myself off a bridge. There was no in between.
Scrolling through the countless comments, I became empowered to channel my inner Dr. Fauci and be the mouthpiece for a man who is too damn old to defend himself against the barbed wire thrown his (my?) way. I was taught to respect my elders, especially when the fate of the world is on the line.
These are just a few of my digital opponents.
NANCY
Projected Measurables:
Age: 56
Job: Professional Planned Parenthood Protester
Favorite Rapper: “I don’t listen to any of that racket”
Infectious Disease Experience: Struggles with psoriasis.
https://twitter.com/DrTonyFauci/status/1282873570272706563?s=20
https://twitter.com/DrTonyFauci/status/1286644583154286592?s=20
CHUCK
Projected Measurables:
Age: 48
Vehicle: Raised 2001 Ford F-150 with a pair of truck nuts hanging beneath the license plate.
Regrettable tattoos: 3
Infectious Disease Experience: Contracted Chlamydia after the Daughtry concert in 2005
https://twitter.com/DrTonyFauci/status/1282875479507312640?s=20
ADMAGNUM
Projected Measurables:
Could be a bot.
https://twitter.com/DrTonyFauci/status/1284224095110955008?s=20
PEGGY
Projected Measurables:
Age: 53
Sex: Not since her third husband passed
Favorite food: Mayo
Infectious Disease Experience: Anything can be cured through the power of Jesus.
https://twitter.com/DrTonyFauci/status/1283722058275446784?s=20
GREG
Projected Measurables:
Age: 72
Quote to live by: “Jet fuel can’t melt steel beams.”
https://twitter.com/DrTonyFauci/status/1282880437505929216?s=20
STREETER
In response to the news of Fauci throwing out the first pitch at the Nats game.
https://twitter.com/DrTonyFauci/status/1285329422183272449?s=20
SONNY
Projected Measurables:
Age: 18
Infectious Disease Experience: Joe Rogan Experience listener
https://twitter.com/DrTonyFauci/status/1286652725514711040?s=20
DIM SUM
Projected Measurables:
Extremely gullible.
https://twitter.com/DrTonyFauci/status/1286661194254868482?s=20
DIANE
Projected Measurables:
Age: 63
Proudest Achievement: Graduate of the Class of 1967
Infectious Disease Experience: No, but was the vice president of Yearbook Committee
https://twitter.com/DrTonyFauci/status/1286691324297699331?s=20
DONNA
Projected Measurables:
Age: 41
Profession: Therapist, hopefully.
https://twitter.com/DrTonyFauci/status/1286654512799846400?s=20
Aaaand while I’m here, I may as well shoot my shot.
SHEILA
https://twitter.com/DrTonyFauci/status/1283721136006627329?s=20
Now, please give Sheila and I some privacy.