LA Cancels Halloween; Here’s How To Get Candy To The Children Anyway

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Dentists. Nutritionists. Parents. Farmers markets. Just a few of the groups that have waged the war on Halloween over the years. And now we can add Los Angeles health officials to that list.

NY Post– Traditional Halloween activities like trick-or-treating, parties, festivals and haunted houses won’t be permitted throughout Los Angeles this fall due to the risk of contracting or spreading COVID-19, health officials announced.

“Door to door trick or treating is not allowed because it can be very difficult to maintain proper social distancing on porches and at front doors especially in neighborhoods that are popular with trick or treaters,” the new guidance reads.

Also banned this year is so-called “trunk or treating,”where children get candy and other treats from cars instead of doorsteps…

Halloween might be the single most important holiday in a young child’s life. Now, more than ever before, we need to provide a safe way for children to don their ghost and Joe Exotic costumes and head out for a night of candy foraging. It’s a necessary diversion, especially as Los Angeles schools show no sign of reopening.

As highlighted above, LA had the foresight to ban “trunk or treating.” That’s probably for the best. When children bend over a trunk to survey the goods, they breathe and sniffle in their excitement like puppies at a communal feeding trough. We can’t expect them to follow social distancing guidelines or to keep their wits about them as they decide between Reese’s cups or Snickers bars. Doling out candy from the trunk of a car seems entirely irresponsible, if not downright dangerous.

But the health officials didn’t say anything about “sliding door treating.”

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Candy disappears on Halloween. Lots of grabby hands to fill in the neighborhoods of Los Angeles. The government isn’t privy to the sort of bottomless witchcraft that Santa utilizes in his sack of toys at Christmas. The next best option? Enormous, nondescript vans—the type used by friendly painters and carnival ride repairmen. As far as volume goes, there’s no car on the road that can fit more candy than a van with the seats removed. Let’s fill a few of these bad boys to their stained ceilings with variety bags and see how far we get.

Of course, as the van makes its way from the Hollywood hills to the beachfront bungalows of Santa Monica, the selection may dwindle. Kids may have to reach deeper and deeper into the car to find their favorite chocolatey treat. At some point, they may even feel inclined to climb in for a better look.

This would be bad. Because once children start entering these vans, we’re no better off than we were with the trunk-or-treating idea. Make sure you tell your kids not to get in to these vans. Otherwise, we risk a superspreader event that could shut down Halloween for years to come.

With that said, happy halloween!