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In a matter of weeks, some of you will be headed home for the holidays to spend some time with that mildly insane family of yours. Our condolences. Nah, we’re just messing around, it won’t be all bad. There’s going to be turkey and all the fixins’, copious amounts of booze and maybe even an old high school fling to knock boots with when nobody is looking. Roawrrrrr! Even if your peeps are in the running for the most dysfunctional family on the planet, it can still be fun to slip back into that home court environment for a minute and revisit all of the insanity that made you the badass you are today. But, whether you realize it or not, there is an ambush lurking around the corner. The parentals are going to come at you like a rabid badger with a line of questioning as soon as you step through the door. Mom will want to know whether you’ve been eating or if you’ve met any “nice girls”, and Dad, well, that bastard’s only concern is going to be all of those credit card charges to a place called Moo-Moo’s Massage. It’ll be like being a terrorist suspect walking into Guantanamo Bay, only without the waterboarding.
There is also a distinct possibility that your parents are going to ask you about drugs. They can’t help it, it’s written in their DNA. While you’ve been away for the past few months working at a new job or supposedly getting an education, mom and dad have been watching enough CNN and Fox News to put the fear of God in them. All they keep seeing is the decline of the younger generation being ushered in by things like marijuana legalization, meth and opioids. And they’re scared shitless about it, too, because they know very little about that life. The last thing any parent wants to think about is that their little angel is high off their ass doing dumb shit. “Not my kid,” said every parent since the dawn of time. To be fair, though, they didn’t send your ass to college, dropping beaucoup bucks on tuition and whatever the hell else you need, just to help you get a 30-day sobriety chip before the age of 25. So, they may need some assurances that you’re not all fucked up.
And what better time to railroad you on this issue than while gathered around the dinner table during the holidays.
We’re not going to lie, it’s going to take a little bit a savoir-faire to make conservative parents comfortable with the fact that you are using marijuana or any other drug. But if you get sidelined by this inquiry, you are potentially doomed to fumble through the argument and wipe out before dessert. Therefore, it is crucial to go into the situation prepared to discuss the drug issue with family in a way that shows that not only are you not on a path to becoming a junkie degenerate, but one that also helps move them into a more progressive view. Let’s face it, most of the myths about marijuana are the result of decades of misinformation and government propaganda. But failing to diffuse dear old mom and dad’s concerns by showing them that using cannabis isn’t that big of a deal will only result in a misery installment plan lasting from now until they both drop dead.
Of course, you could lie to them – tell the folks that you never have and never will mess with pot. But what kind of life is that? It has been our experience that having an open and honest dialogue is the best route to take. You are an adult, after all, and capable of making your own decisions and managing your life. So just give it to them straight. Yes, mom and dad, I use marijuana on occasion. We like that word occasion when dealing with conservative relatives. It tells the parentals that you are not what might be considered a hardcore stoner – you’re not going to be like that one guy from That 70s Show — but that you sometimes enjoy the herb in social situations.
If you are using marijuana for medicinal purposes, explain to them the circumstances on how that came about – maybe you read a study or an article – and tell them you felt it was a better alternative to prescription drugs. Remind them that tens of thousands of people die every year from opioids and anti-anxiety medications, but so far, no cases of fatal marijuana overdose have been reported. They’ll love to hear that because your safety and well-being is the most important thing to them. However you choose to present your spiel, it might not be a bad idea to have some articles loaded up on your smartphone so that you can help ease their minds with statistics and science.
Just don’t go in there without any preparation at all or they will dominate. And if you are still in college, they will likely strip you of your credit card privileges and perhaps even demand that you come back home and attend community college.
Yikes!
You can almost certainly expect to get bombarded by arguments about weed being a gateway to harder drugs, concerns about addiction, and maybe even something about how the pot is just stronger today. Tell them that even the federal government admits that “alcohol and nicotine” are “more likely to inspire people to use harder substances.” And as far as addiction goes, only around 9 percent of cannabis users ever experience any problems. And when they do get hooked, so to speak, it is more a psychological dependence and nothing like the horrors of heroin addiction. In fact, many folks who become dependent and decide to get off the weed train forever only endure a few uncomfortable days until they are as good as new. So-called marijuana addiction is nothing that warrants a stint in rehab or even a diaper just in case you shit your pants.
Whatever you do, just approach the conversation with your family intelligently and they really won’t have any reason to keep reading you the riot act. Then maybe, just maybe they will let you eat in peace.
As for Moo-Moo’s Massage, you’re on your own!
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Mike Adams is a freelance writer for High Times, Cannabis Now, and Forbes. You can follow him on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram.
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