Let’s face it, holiday office parties, for the most part, are not exactly the epitome of good times. Most would agree that they are the equivalent of being stuck in an afternoon sales meeting, only with management walking around in Santa hats and acting like they actually give two flying farts about the rest of the staff. Others would say that the forced socializing during these gatherings and the constant wearing of a phony bologna grin that says, “I’m so fucking happy to be here,” feels closer to a proctology exam conducted in a dirty alley by a cranked out werewolf with jagged fingernails.
Yep, these office soirees can be pretty painful at times, especially without an intoxicating substance or three in your corner. But if the decades have taught us anything at all, it’s that the average working-class schlub cannot just show up at an office-sanctioned event, get snookered up on free liquor and expect to return to work the next day without everyone looking at them in horror. What did they do? Who the fuck knows? But their desk is all packed up with a message attached from HR that reads, “Just because it’s Christmas doesn’t mean that you can do that with the bosses wife. We’re afraid we’re going to have to let you go. By the way, where is she?”
This is the reason that so many people choose not to drink alcohol when mingling with their co-workers at holiday parties. Because some fucked up shit is bound to happen. Some articles written on the subject even advise office socialites not to consume more than two alcoholic beverages during holiday affairs. Not only will the higher-ups take notice of their affinity for the sauce, but they will probably use their “alcoholism” against them every time they screw up on the job. There’s nothing like being labeled the office boozehound just because those social anxieties got a little bit carried away. But two drinks is never going to cut it amidst the mindless office jibber-jabber that is often spewed at these events. Fortunately, there is marijuana to the rescue.
But listen, just because weed is becoming increasingly more legal in parts of the country, doesn’t mean that it is all of a sudden cool to chief out at the holiday office party without catching some heat. It is still mostly necessary to keep one’s pot use under wraps when it comes to work-related functions. It sucks, we know. There’s just a long way to go before weed is socially accepted in the same way as booze. Therefore, if you are planning to take along some of that loud to the holiday office party this year, we should probably cover some ground rules that could keep you from getting pushed out into the unemployment line before Santa flies into town.
For starters, don’t feel the need to engage in conversations surrounding marijuana if it happens to get brought up. Weed is a hot topic right now, that’s for sure, so it could quickly become part of the discussion. If this happens, remain neutral. Because here’s the thing: Management can be some sneaky bastards at times, and they are always digging for information they can use to either further their professional agenda or give their less-than-favorite employees a hard way to go. Holiday parties are the perfect opportunity for these weasels to get people talking about things that they probably shouldn’t. Marijuana use is definitely one of those things. Even if the company is in a state where pot is now legal, there are still a lot of conflicting workplace drug policies that make the cannabis issue a touchy subject for most employers. All we are saying is just don’t reveal too much about how high you get on your personal time. Avoid divulging your politics on the matter, and, for the love of everything holy, leave the Bob Marley shirt at home and don’t show up reeking of weed. We don’t want to give these fools any reason to call us out later down the line.
This doesn’t mean that you can’t use marijuana at the holiday office party. You might not be able to pull out a joint and get an old school smoke circle going with the girls from accounting, but there are ways to do it that will not end in your termination. To do this, you must change the way you think about marijuana consumption. It’s a brave new world out there, fellas. No longer does being a part of the stoner class mean joints, bongs, and bowls. At least not exclusively. There are a variety of smokeless, odorless cannabis products on the market that make being a pothead more convenient and secretive than it used to be. There are edibles, beverages and vapes that can be whipped out in almost any situation and consumed without the narcs being none the wiser.
But that’s the easy part. It doesn’t take a real bright boy to understand how to navigate their cannabis consumption at a holiday party without getting caught. Just eat some edibles or hit the vape pen in the bathroom and all is good, right? Well, that’s true, as long as you don’t get too stoned. Remember, your boss and co-workers probably best know you as being a certain way around the office. Show up with squinty, red eyes, laughing uncontrollably at a bunch of dumb shit, and chowing down on the appetizer spread like you’ve just been rescued from a deserted island is only going to say one thing: This guy is blasted out of his mind. And there you have it, your cover is blown.
Just the same as with alcohol, moderation is key to surviving a holiday office party while stoned. We would suggest that experienced users microdose edibles (5-10mg THC), just enough to catch a comfortable head change without going goofy. Cannabis-infused drinks, even those that only come with 5-10mg THC, hit harder than you might think. So, keep that in mind. For someone with absolutely no experience with weed, perhaps a party hosted by the people who sign your paycheck is not the best time to try it. An overabundance of THC coursing through the brain has been known to induce savage panic attacks and paranoia. And the holiday office party is no place to lose your shit.
Now go, have some fun!
Mike Adams is a freelance writer for High Times, Cannabis Now, and Forbes. You can follow him on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram.
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