How The Most Humiliating Moment Of My Life Changed The Entire Trajectory Of It

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You think you know what humiliation is until you’re frozen in a puddle of your own waste in plain view of hundreds of horrified pedestrians.

I felt this near-fatal devastation on May 5, 2011, and despite what the textbooks say, there is no playbook on what to do if a Chipotle carnitas bowl revolts in your small intestine while you pinball around Boston’s Harvard Square looking for a public restroom or some damn tree coverage.

Seconds stretch into eternities. Ego evaporates into the night sky with the stench of quasi-digested fecal sludge. The warmth of it crawling down my left leg provided no reprieve from the cold stares of mothers shimmying their small children along like I was shaking a cup outside of 7-Eleven with a needle in my arm.

Win $5k For Sharing An embarrassing Story

It was unspeakably awful. And also one of the best things that’s ever happened to me.

Because four full years later, as I wasted away in my 4×4 cubicle at an accounting job I took to make my dad proud, I wrote about that harrowing night, despite having zero experience writing flushed-out stories (pun!) or anything outside of group text zingers to my friends.

After contemplating whether or not I should abandon the piece, I sheepishly decided to send it to a contact email I found on BroBible’s website for Jason Cammerota, the site’s then Editor-In-Chief (now CEO). I remember feeling like a total imposter as I hit Send. 

Jason, in his infinite courage, posted it to the site and it immediately became one of the biggest original pieces of 2015. To this day, it ranks as the #1 poop story on Google (take that dad!) and more importantly, it allowed me to see a purposeful path for myself outside of credits and debits and Microsoft Excel Proficiency.

After a few more freelancer pieces performed well, I was hired full-time to BroBible, and in the five years since then, I’ve gotten the opportunity to travel the country with dope brands, interview iconic cultural figures, and tell girls I’m a “writer” because it sounds way sexier than “blogger.” A true gags to riches tale.

All this is to say that taking a risk when I had no business doing so was the best decision I’ve made for my career, and I’d be a total wanker if I didn’t pay it forward in my uphill quest to go to heaven.

Your turn.

The folks at Vocal, a storytelling platform for creators (both current and future), is running its “(No) Regrets” Challenge encouraging people with embarrassing stories and confessions (like you!) to write them out in an effort to win three chunky cash prizes.

  • Grand prize:​ $5,000
  • Second place: ​$2,500
  • Third place:​ $1,000

SIGN UP FOR VOCAL HERE

BROBIBLE99 ​at checkout to receive your first month of membership for just $0.99 (a $9.99 value).

The Challenge is in conjunction with Vocal’s newest community, Confessions, where people write about their most traumatic, awkward, hilarious blunders. Do you have a cringeworthy first date story? Have you showed up to a job interview with the security tag still on your pants? Any brutal pandemic mask tales? Shit yourself in Harvard Square? Think about the story you told your friends that made them laugh, cry, cringe, etc. and WRITE IT DOWN.

Here are a couple examples of stories already submitted to the “(No) Regrets” Challenge:

VOCAL


To bring it full circle, the contest is being judged by BroBible’s own Francis Ellis, co-host of the hilarious Oops the Podcast, which brilliantly focuses on the cringe of the human condition.

A few other things to note:

In order to be eligible to enter the “(No) Regrets” Challenge, you must have a ​Vocal+​ ​membership, which grants Vocal creators access to exclusive Challenges, along with increased monetization opportunities, premium creation tools and features, and additional perks on the platform. You can sign up for ​Vocal here​, ​and then use the promo code ​BROBIBLE99 ​at checkout to receive your first month’s membership and participate in the Challenge for just $0.99.

Ninety nine cents. A very small price to pay.

(No) Regrets stories must be between 600 and 5,000 words and adhere to Vocal’s Community Guidelines. Only stories published on Vocal and entered into the contest up until April 27, 2021, at 11:59 PM EST will be entered for consideration.

Get writing, folks. And if you have any questions about topic choice, tone, or general advice, feel free to reach out to me—the guy who shit himself—at matt@brobible.com.

Take the shot.

SIGN UP FOR VOCAL HERE

BROBIBLE99 ​at checkout to receive your first month of membership for just $0.99 (a $9.99 value).

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