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Any Stevie Wonder fans out there? Great! Well, if you’re looking for a meet-and-greet, Stevie’s cutting hair in Boston with a battle axe and a pair of Crayola scissors while customers ride a fucking mechanical bull.
I would know, because I just came from his barber shop and suffered the worst human rights violation since Percy intentionally neglected to wet the sponge before Eduard Delacroix rode Old Sparky in The Green Mile.
You: Dude, quit being a little whiny widdle baby. It can’t be bad enough to devote an entire article to.
Me:
Why do my bangs look like the polygraph lines when the government answers ‘Yes’ to the question ‘Did Epstein kill himself?’
A few more angles:
If you’re wondering how I’m possibly going to have sex looking like I go to the mall arcade to play Dance, Dance Revolution by myself, fear not my internet stranger friend, because I’ve been in a relationship in three years and hardly have sex anyway! Hey, maybe my girlfriend would throw me pity bang. Bang for bangs. Still counts. Two points is two points.
In an seriousness, the real reason I wrote this post is to ask for your help. They say the first 48 hours in investigations of this nature are most crucial.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m late to driving Mary Swanson to the airport.
P.S. I neglected to mention the name of the establishment that did this to me because I believe that God will have the last word with them. God and the Better Business Bureau.