560-Pound ISIS Leader ‘Jabba the Jihadi’ Wages One Last War On Our Eyeballs As He’s Captured In Iraq


The Islamic State took two massive L’s Thursday, and I need your help determining which is more damning to their cause.

L-1: An ISIS mufti–their top religious authority for issuing religious rulings–has been captured by Iraqi forces.
L-2: He looked like this.

Your next Bachelor, ladies and gentlemen. You’ll find all the roses and three prisoners of war in his FUPA.

This man is Abu Abdul Bari, dubbed “Jabba the Jihadi,” a preacher known for “provocative speeches against the security forces” and is considered one of the top leaders of “ISIS gangs,” the Iraqi government’s security media cell said in a statement Thursday. He was captured Thursday by an elite SWAT team of the Nineveh regiment in the city of Mosul.

Via Star and Stripes:

Considered by ISIS to be an authority in Quranic law, Bari issued religious rulings, or fatwas, ordering the execution of scholars and clerics who refused to pledge allegiance to the terrorist group when it occupied Mosul, the statement said. He also ordered the July 2014 destruction of a mosque built at the site believed to be the burial place of the biblical prophet Jonah, who once had a notable encounter with a whale.

Maajid Nawaz, founder of the London-based counter-extremist organization Quilliam, shared the news of the big game hunt on Twitter. Nawaz was formerly imprisoned in Egypt for being a member of the Islamist group Hizb ut-Tahrir, but after reading books on human rights in prison, he renounced his Islamist past and has since been advocating for “secular Islam.”

More importantly, he’s become a helluva terrorist troll.



Right now, as I type this, Iraqi authorities are looking at each other wondering what they’re going to do with this behemoth. I wouldn’t wish this burden on anyone.




Matt Keohan Avatar
Matt’s love of writing was born during a sixth grade assembly when it was announced that his essay titled “Why Drugs Are Bad” had taken first prize in D.A.R.E.’s grade-wide contest. The anti-drug people gave him a $50 savings bond for his brave contribution to crime-fighting, and upon the bond’s maturity 10 years later, he used it to buy his very first bag of marijuana.