One of the downsides to consuming any drug that comes from the illicit market these days is, you just never know where it’s been or what sort of mad science it was packaged with.
This is even true in the case of our old pal, marijuana.
It’s like one second you’re chiefing out on a seemingly ordinary strain of weed, enjoying all of the slap-stick benefits of quality smoke, when all of a sudden your veins start throbbing to the beat of the music. Then, just as you realize that your no-good dealer sold you some dope laced with embalming fluid, your pecker gets all paranoid and sprouts a goddamned fiendish set of fangs and comes climbing up through the top of your pants to devour you.
The headline trending the next day in the social media reads: Man-Eating Cock Swallows Pothead Trying To Save Its Own Ass.
Okay, so no, of course, this sort of psychedelic horror show doesn’t happen all of the time – to be frank, we’ve never actually heard of weed-laced with anything producing a flesh-eating penis — but the point is: Any bizarre outcome is within the realm of possibility when buying weed from black market sources.
Speaking of… you might have heard recently that a team of scientists has apparently found that most black market weed contains poo. Yep. Feces. So much of it, in fact, that it is unfit for public consumption.
Well, this is true, to some degree.
Here’s what is legit: Earlier this month, a group of researchers at the Universidad Complutense in Madrid published a study in the journal Forensic Science International showing that 83 percent of the weed being sold on the black market contains more dung than THC.
The situation is apparently severe enough that they are calling for all stoners to err on the side of caution when smoking pot purchased from their neighborhood dealer as it may contain a variety of shit diseases that could make them violently ill.
Researchers said they uncovered traces of Aspergillus fungus and E.coli bacteria, both of which are potentially life-threatening bugs that have the strength to make someone’s life a living hell.
But even without the potential health risks, let’s face it — nobody wants to feel like they are sucking on an asshole when they are getting high.
This tainted weed is showing up in parts of the world because of the gutsy smuggling tactics that drug dealers are forced to employ to transport it to its desired destination. It is just too risky to let drug mules stash cannabis in their luggage, so it is not uncommon for cartels to feed these poor schlubs packages of marijuana to hide it in their intestinal tract.
Once they arrive at the drop point, these drug mules must then consume high doses of laxatives and shit the weed out for prompt distribution. This is where the dope is getting all fouled up with feces, the report speculates.
That’s right, it’s just a theory. But it’s a good one. After all, it is highly doubtful that today’s drug cartels are so sick and twisted that they are actually selling poop-laced pot just for shits and giggles.
But then again, considering that these are the same wild, trigger-happy thugs that cut people’s heads off with chainsaws and feed them to wildlife, we’re not going to discount it entirely.
The question on every cannabis user’s mind is: Does this mean I should be worried about smoking some slimy butt bug the next time I get stoned?
Well, in a word: NO.
This particular study focused exclusively on Madrid and is in no way meant to suggest that the weed being distributed throughout the U.S. is contaminated with ass. This is especially true in those jurisdictions where the herb is now legal for medicinal and recreational use.
No one in these places needs to use their intestines to smuggle dope, so chances are, the pot purchased in those areas is completely clean.
Even people who buy weed from the black market in the U.S. are probably safe from this dreadful stoner sewage. The bulk of the illicit market in the U.S. is now domestically driven, which means a vast majority of the underground smoke is originating from places like California and Colorado.
This legal marijuana is being shuttled into the illicit market, not by stashing it in someone’s stomach lining, but by merely driving it across state lines.
American drug dealers just aren’t keen on anal.
There is, however, still a substantial flow of marijuana coming up from Mexico. Although the distribution of this drug across the border is down compared to recent years, it has not stopped completely.
Gil Kerlikowske, the former commissioner of U.S. Customs and Border Protection, recently told NPR that drugs like methamphetamine, cocaine, heroin, fentanyl are coming across the border “on [people’s] bodies or even in their bodies,” but that doesn’t appear to be happening with weed.
“Marijuana seizures along the border have gone down consistently over the years,” he said. “We have 10 states that have legalized it and the District of Columbia. So there’s an awful lot of marijuana – and very high-end, unfortunately – high-end hemp that’s grown here in the United States.
This means marijuana users in the U.S., even those still living in areas of prohibition, have nothing to worry about when it comes to shit-stained weed.
So, if your drug dealer tells you that his pot “is the shit,” try not to take it so literally. However, from the sound of it, that may not be the case for those who dabble in harder drugs.
Think about that the next time you do a fat line of coke or meth at a party. It should give a whole new meaning to the phrase, “Just Say No to Crack.”
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