Russian Scientist Believes Earth Is Alien Experiment

iStockphoto / vjanez

“Meeting an advanced civilization could be like Native Americans encountering Columbus” – Stephen Hawking

If you hang around outside long enough at night, it’s impossible not to wonder, “Are we alone in the universe?” Especially if you’ve just consumed a handful of magic mushrooms and are listening to “Echoes” from Pink Floyd’s Meddle album. Oh, and if there happens to be a couple of dogs barking incessantly in the background, forget about it. That’s when those deep thoughts really start to make a man feel like a lost character in the last twenty minutes of the movie 2001: A Space Odyssey, and he’s catapulting at speeds through unseen dimensions only to end up at the death bed portal known as the end. You can almost smell the door that leads to the other side.


Let’s just say they were really good shrooms, and leave it at that. But it goes without saying that even without mind-altering chemicals coursing through the old noggin, the question remains: Are we the only “intelligent” life floating around in outer space? Religious nuts often scoff at the idea of life outside our pissant planet – their guidebook doesn’t say anything about beady-eyed men — but evidence has surfaced over the decades showing that there’s a pretty damn good chance other civilizations exist. And maybe, perhaps, quite possibly, those big-head bastards aren’t huge fans of humanity. Or better yet, maybe they are our master controllers, and we’re all just part of one big project assembled for their amusement. Yikes! The apostles didn’t write anything about that, did they?

It might sound a bit far-fetched to suggest that we are actually walking around in an alien ant farm and that life as we know it cannot be explained because we’re nothing but meaningless specimens of test-tube tomfoolery. But that could be the case. No, this isn’t some warped idea that I conjured during a psychedelic trip underneath the starry skies. It is one that a leading Russian scientist would be willing to bet his left nut and a bottle of vodka on. Well, we didn’t actually ask him whether he’d give up a testicle if his theory proved to be a load of caca, but he seems pretty confident.

So we’re betting by proxy.

Alexander Panov, one of the top dogs at the Institute of Nuclear Physics of Moscow State University, leader of the SETI scientific and cultural center under the Council on Astronomy of the RAS and chairman of the Life and Mind in the Universe department of the Council on Astronomy of the RAS recently told RIA Novosti that the reason humans haven’t been formally introduced to alien civilizations is that we’re just an experiment. The scientist believes that extraterrestrials have the whole of humanity on reserve mode (Earthly imprisonment), and they do not want to interfere with its natural progression. Why? They could be waiting to see if we will evolve into anything worth a damn or whether we’ll just destroy everything in our paths on a quest for answers that have always been beyond our reach. We are cosmic entertainment, and it’s Season 45!

“It lies in the fact that highly humanized civilizations do not interfere in our development and have created a quarantine zone around us, a radio silence zone so as not to interfere with our independent development,” he told the news source.

It’s a theory that, if accurate, makes it all the more humorous that humans are down here acting like a bunch of big swinging dicks changing the world. We’re making art, writing books, and allowing ourselves to get big heads when the majority of social media followers likes one of our stupid photos. We think we’re at the top of the food chain. All the while, interplanetary beings are up there tapping on the aquarium glass, giving us stupid pet names, and talking about how cute we are. It’s probably got them in stitches that a planet the space-size equivalent of a rat turd uses different interpretations of manmade texts to wage wars against each other, commit acts of terror and otherwise keep from getting along. They are probably just about to become purple (if they aren’t that color already) over how we have two presidential candidates fighting over an office that neither would be able to find if not for GPS and a gang of handlers. If Earth really is just entertainment for a superior class of space weirdos, those bastards are getting their money’s worth, that’s for sure. Don’t believe it? Well, like Panov says, just because these beings aren’t making themselves known doesn’t mean they aren’t there. Why would they want to ruin a good thing?

And, truthfully, it’s probably for the best that we keep the aliens laughing as long as humanly possible. Otherwise, they might get bored, swoop down here with all ray-guns blazing, and show us what it’s really like to live in a dystopia. The last thing any of us need is to become sex slaves to a society of green anarchists and spend the rest of our days getting violated by a creature with seven peckers.

All of a sudden, the upcoming election doesn’t sound so bad.