Safe Space: Half-Baked Thoughts And Observations From Your Everyday Millennial, Volume 5

Greetings, World Wide Web Enthusiasts!

This week marks the fourth edition of Safe Space, a collection of half-baked thoughts, astute observations, and societal hypocrisies.

We started this column to give you a breather from headlines like this:

This column knows no agenda or political affiliation and is solely the thoughts of a guy who thinks cargo shorts are high-fashion.

Enjoy.

My girlfriend loves to call me immature but I’m not the one who calls my mom by her first name.

It’s a shame kids these days will never experience the all-encompassing gratification of coming home from school to find all your Limewire downloads completely successfully.

Fuck kids these days for never having to experience the inescapable despair of coming home from school to find all their Limewire downloads ‘Need More Sources.’

2007 Facebook notification: Someone wrote on your wall.
2019 Facebook notification: Your Aunt Cheryl’s therapist posted for the first time since her colonoscopy.

Absolutely appalled that I used the word “Zietgeist” on a company-wide call today and not one person gasped in admiration.

No one:
Literally not one fucking human being:
Florida:

It’s so sad that it’s been over 72 hours since the Notre Damn Cathedral fire and I’ve still yet to find a way to make it about me.

My favorite people on Twitter are the ones who create a viral tweet about pinecones or some shit and ride the fame into a subtweet asking for money to pay for grad school.

Not talking to my dad right now because he’s all butthurt about me setting up a merch table outside my grandmother’s wake.

Don’t let Lori Loughlin paying for her child to get into college distract you from the fact that Gladstone never went and has been mooching of his childhood best friend for three decades while trying to make ends meet by playing with puppets.