Breaking Down This Seven-Year-Old’s Roast Performance On America’s Got Talent

This kid performed a few days ago but it’s blowing up all over my twitter timeline, so I finally watched his performance. First thought was, have you ever wondered… who watches America’s Got Talent? The answer is people who think this kid wrote these jokes. The show is in its 4,000th season so I’m guessing that’s a lot of people. They probably think he either wrote those jokes himself—in crayon, holding the crayon in a closed fist, sitting in an orange plastic chair with his tiny velcro shoes folded under him—or that he also came up with the jokes on the spot. Just shooting from the hip on the AGT stage like a magician, burying the judges.

Didn’t love the Alicia Keys misdirect. Call me woke but I didn’t think we were allowed to infer that black people look alike. That’s a dangerous game, JJ; I hope you learn it someday. But how about the Simon burn?! Got that fucker good. Totally deserved it, too. What the fuck is Simon doing? “I thought he was going to be a singer” he says, in the middle of the damn act. Hey Simon? No you fucking didn’t. You’re a producer of the show. And not only that, but this is the champions version. You know everything about these contestants. They’re proven talent. Isn’t that the point? We’re not surprised when they turn out to be talented? Dear Lord.

In truth, this kid is actually impressive. Great stage presence, oozing confidence, good timing. I’m just jealous of a seven-year-old, and that’s a hard thing to come to terms with.