Your Official Tekashi 6ix9ine Album Review From The Whitest Guy You Know

iStock/Getty/Composite


How do you do, fellow kids?

I, a hip youngster who enjoys a good ditty in between episodes of NPR’s Peabody Award-winning Fresh Air program, was quite delighted to learn of Friday’s release of Tekashi 6ix9ine’s Tattletales, a 13-tune musical exploration that includes jingles like GOOBA and TUTU and PUNANI and other relatable topics of the day.

Please join me on a journey I hope will be as rewarding and introspective as Simon & Garfunkel’s fifth and final studio album, Bridge Over Troubled Water.

LOCKED UP 2 Feat. AKON

Notable lyric: 

Hearin’ voices in my head, sayin’, “F**k these n*****”
My n*****, my n*****, these ain’t my n*****

Poignant and precise. Sometimes when my wife and I need urgent child care for our children, Kensley and Remington, the folks over at Care.com send over a sitter that we have yet to vet. In a strongly-worded email written in Tahoma bold, I write, “My nanny, my nanny, this ain’t my nanny” before being rewarded a 15 percent coupon I will use to prove to my wife that I am, in fact, the alpha around here.

TUTU

Everybody know I got bands on the way
Yes, I make, yes, I make bands every day

Making bands is something I know all too well. Me and a couple of the guys down at the bowling alley started a band that specializes in Michael McDonald covers. For the really high-note songs like What A Fool Believes, we sub in Neil’s Basset Hound as lead signer and everyone has a good clean laugh.

GOOBA

Are you dumb, stupid, or dumb, huh?
Play me like a dummy, like b*tch, are you dumb?
Are you dumb, stupid, or dumb, huh?

Courageous of Mr. 6ix9ine to take on lightning-rod topics like education reform in his art. Funding at Kensley’s private kindergarten has been slashed to the point that they may not install platinum gold toilets until Fall 2022.

WAIT

Wait wait wait, I got them jealous again
They in they feelings again.
Wait wait wait, cry baby again.
Cause they can’t do what I can.

You should’ve seen Chet next door when I came home with a John Deere X304 Lawn Tractor that cuts my front lawn in the time it takes to say, “Ra-ta-ta-ta can make ’em dance bachata-ta.”

CHARLIE FEAT. SMILEZ

It’s so many rich n***** f****** b****** for free,
If a n***** want p****, make him pay that fee.

Wow. Not many male artists would champion female empowerment and closing the gender wage gap as boldly as Mr. 69, especially as the gig economy boom is paying better than ever for handymen, freelancers, and prostitutes.

TROLLZ (feat. Nicki Minaj)

Keep on throwin’ that cash
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
Keep on throwin’ that ass
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
Benz truck in the back
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

This Nicki Minaj young lady is quite the entertainer. I’ve been really getting into her music videos after my wife goes to bed on the laptop she doesn’t know I own. Thank you Norton Anti-virus for your continued protection.

NINI (feat. Leftside)

Tek yuh time, tek yuh time, tek yuh time now (Yeah)
Gyal, mi waan know, mek yuh haffi wine suh (Yeah)

What can I possibly add that Mr. 69 didn’t already say better?

PUNANI

Shake it, fat punani-nani, fat punani-nani
That tsunami-nami, that tsunami-nami
Fat punani-nani, fat punani-nani
That tsunami-nami, that tsunami-nami

I simply could not decide between this lyric and, “Watery, she puckerin’ and shi*, guzzle, guzzle it. Eat it, she a doggie a** b*tch, muzzle up her sh*t.” Hopefully, this will serve as a warning to those at my community garden to muzzle their pets before they eat my darn hydrangeas again. Looking at you Paulette!

YAYA

Cuando chingamos, baby, tú nunca te quita’
Mueve to’ ese booty, tan chulita como Anitta
Tú ‘tá’ dura

While it’s unclear exactly what Mr. 69 is trying to convey here, if I know him like I think I know him, he’s probably fighting for free medicare for all, just as the bumper sticker is on the back of my PT Cruiser.

LEAH (feat. AKON)

Vibrate on, turn your phone off
Vibrate on, turn your phone off

I cannot tell you how often I have to tell Kensley and Remington to turn their phones off during family game nights. It is the only time we get to spend as a family when my wife isn’t off having late-night workout sessions with her personal trainer, Brad. I’m so proud of her initiative.

GATA (feat. Lil AK)

She said her p***y pink, but she from Brownsville

Consent, consent, consent, people!

Credit to Tekashi here for not engaging in a sex act with a woman before she voluntarily tells him the exact hue of her labia. Take notes, Hollywood.

GTL

Streets f****d up
No charge for that bad n****, switch up tryna kill ya
That sh*t give a n**** goosebumps, paranoia 
Keep my head above the water, for my daughter

Preach! You simply cannot trust anyone, except your heart to Lipitor. Ask your doctor if Lipitor is right for you.

AVA

And if I don’t move right, I could lose my life, I swear.

With the emergence of video games and ubiquitous fast food, we are not teaching our children that exercise is key to a healthy lifestyle. If only our children would spend half as much time with Brad as my wife does the world would be a lot better place.

***