5 Reasons She Wants You To Shape Your Shrubs, According To Science

by 2 months ago

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Presented by Manscaped.com

There has never, in the entire history of brunch conversations, been a serious dialogue between women that has even comes close to the following exchange:

Tina: “So Becky, what ever happened to that cute stock broker with the house in the Hamptons you promised we could have an Instagram shoot at?”

Tammi, Lisa, and Ashlie: [in unison] “OMG yah.”

Becky: *takes long pull from her fifth mimosa* “Trent was everything I wanted in a man. That is until I pulled down his boxers and realized he had a completely manicured pubic sitch, like not one hair out of place or longer than one of my fake eyelashes.”

Tammi, Lisa, and Ashlie: [in unison] GASP.

Ashlie: “Like not one tangled, greasy tumbleweed?”

Tammi: “Or one sign of life living within a sea of decade-long neglect?”

Lisa: *spits out avocado toast in utter disgust* “I just can’t.”

Ashlie: “Oh well. Becky I have a friend I can hook you up with. He has three pet ferrets and hasn’t trimmed his junk since Lyndon B. Johnson was in office.

If you or a loved one has ever indulged in a pube-praising discussion amongst friends, please consult with a mental health professional. 

Why?

Because pubes SUCK!

But don’t take it from me, I’m just your average internet guy with an opinion. We aren’t scarce. That’s why I choose to defer to junk science, quite literally.

So without further ado, here are five scientific reasons you should take a trimmer to that bush.

1.) CHIVALRY.

According to an online poll by Cosmopolitan, only about 10% of women preferred their men to do no manscaping and go fully natural. 12% of women said they prefer men to be hairless or shave all of their pubic to the skin. The overwhelming majority, 70 percent, prefer men to trim their pubic hair consistently.

For reference, the percentage of women who prefer men to do no manscaping at all is equal to the percentage of Americans who believe chocolate milk comes from brown cows.

2.) BLOWJOBS.

For those in a relationship, a blowjob is an act of oral sex performed on a man. Also known as fellatio, a beej, a blowie, and climbing the corporate ladder.

An extensive social media search of the words “blowjob” + “pubes” determined that excessive crotch hair presents a choking hazard and other potential unpleasant hazards to the generous giver.

Just as one wouldn’t eat corn on the cob with the husk still on it, one wouldn’t perform oral sex on a brillo pad.

3.) ADDITION BY SUBTRACTION.

The Addition by Subtraction Pube Theorem is a theory I worked out at Harvard University in 2010. I didn’t go there I just trimmed my pubes in a dorm bathroom once before a big date.

The theorem is demonstrated best in graph form.

Penis length is inversely proportional to pube length.

Just as moving all furniture out of a room makes the room feel bigger, mowing down pubic hair adds at least an inch to your Johnson. And I know I’m not alone when I say I need every inch I can get.

 4.) PUBIC NEGLIGENCE MAY CAUSE YOU TO DIE ALONE.

In a 2017 poll of women aged 18 to 35, nearly 20 percent of them claim they’d consider dumping their boyfriends if they weren’t fond of his pubic situation.

That’s a 1-in-5 chance that a lady would be so turned off by your Don King dong that she’ll leave you hairy and alone. I’m no statistician, but if someone handed me a gun with one chamber loaded in a five-chamber revolver, I’m calling my mom and telling her I love her. Don’t put yourself in that situation.

5.) YOU ARE WORTHY.

I think we’ve drilled home the point that your untamed crotch hair is repulsive to literally everyone else, but we’re forgetting the person who matters most: YOU.

In the Cosmopolitan poll, 51 percent of respondents say they groom themselves to feel more attractive in their own skin. This is where it all starts and ends, my friend. Because if you don’t feel sexy, how the hell do you expect that lovely lady at the end of the bar to?

It doesn’t take the guy who invented the Addition by Subtraction Pube Theorem to understand that you feel more confident if you aren’t walking around with a healthy chia pet embedded above your ding dong.

*****

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The BroBible team writes about gear that we think you want. Occasionally, we write about items that are a part of one of our affiliate partnerships and we will get a percentage of the revenue from sales.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


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