Oh, how I missed you, forced middle of the season drama….I missed you so much.
For those of you who are new to the show, you are slowly realizing that the middle of the season is not where the best episodes occur. The Bachelor/ette producers realize this, so the reality of this show gets more manufactured than ever. Last year it was Kaitlyn spending two episodes crying over having sex with Nick. This year it’s JoJo doing the whole “I don’t know if I’m ever going to find true love” narrative.
I’m not a big fan of this theme. It’s been sort of thrown in here and there throughout the season, but it wasn’t thrown down our throat….then last night’s episode happened. JoJo, who felt so unlovable, decided to go to a dance event alone, with hundreds of happy people at it, and cry while being poured on by fake rain. A truly depressing scene, that left Bach Nation and myself in tears.
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Throughout the episode I found myself sympathizing with JoJo. How can you not feel for a woman who has the perfect body, face, and hair? The struggle is real there, folks. I know JoJo got a lot of slack for her decision to cry alone in a foreign country, but I would’ve done the same thing, and you would have too.
JoJo’s tears of pure sadness affected her so much that she couldn’t even hold a proper rose ceremony. With only one rose left to give to either the guy who plays the guitar way too much or the guy who we aren’t sure is taller than her, she decided to say “screw the rules, I’m going to bring both of these guys back for another week even though I have zero interest in being with either of them long term.” A truly admirable and courageous act out of JoJo to make sure that these guys stayed in the friend zone for as long as possible.
I just want all of you to know that I am writing this with a heavy heart, one that aches for a woman who feels unlovable: JoJo Fletcher. I am going to continue to write this, though, because I am a grinder. I know no way to go on except for forward. I’m the white slot receiver who runs across the middle of the field every play, gets flattened courtesy of head to head contact, but gets up and does the same thing the next play, even though I can already feel the CTE creeping into my brain. Most would not be able to write under the condition I’m in after watching last night’s episode, but I just grabbed my lunch pail and I’m ready to clock in like any true lunch pailer would.
On to the goodbyes, power rankings, and awards…..
Wells (LW: 5): I never thought I’d see a 30-year-old man put as much thinking into a kiss. His whole “it needs to be the perfect moment” was only comparable to a middle schooler preparing for his first date in my life at the local movie theatre. Wells never had a chance. I knew from the second I saw he didn’t know how to properly wear a suit or tie a tie.
Wells may be the nicest nice guy this show has ever seen. He discussed how he ended up in the friend zone after being together with a girl for four years. I crunched the numbers after the episode and I’m still not sure how that’s possible, but I feel if I make fun of it too much then I will find myself in a similar situation down the road.
Derek (LW: 4):
This is how Derek aka Jim Halpert wanted things to end:
Instead, he ended up crying on national TV:
Each week I will power rank the competitors who remain. Please know that these power rankings are not who I think is going to win, but instead whom I, personally, like the most. The power rankings will be split into three categories, Bachelorette Hell, Purgatory, and Heaven.
Please tell me why I am DEAD WRONG about my power rankings on Twitter @BigDaddysCourt
These men are in the pits of Bachelorette despair. I don’t like these guys for either rational or completely irrational reasons that I will explain below.
6. James Taylor (LW: 6):
• Similar to JoJo, James Taylor feels that he “isn’t enough.” Being bullied in middle school affect people, folks….RAISE YOUR KIDS RIGHT!
• I appreciate his self-awareness and recognition that he does not compare to the rest of the guys in the house, but he isn’t combating that in a positive way. Maybe he hasn’t watched the show before, but this competition is all about confidence and to admit to not having any by trying to pull the “this other guy is in it for the fame, not for the right reasons card” is the final nail in the coffin for James Taylor.
• In his attempt to stump Jordan, he mentioned that Jordan is “famous.” That is news to me and everybody else in this world.
• Also, James Taylor, if you are going to pull the whole “this guy isn’t in it for the right reasons card” make it about something rather than a meaningless poker game that you probably don’t know the rules of.
5. Robby (LW: 8):
• Robby thinks he is the “front runner” currently.
• Hahahahahahahahaha Robby thinks he is the frontrunner.
• I can’t wait for Robby to cry for 5 minutes straight in his exit interview. I’m going to laugh throughout the entire thing.
4. Napoleon Alex (LW: 7):
• ABC…..Please don’t send Alex to paradise.
Think of purgatory just like the current Boston Celtics team. Yes, they have a good team, but they are going to consistently get bounced from the playoffs in the first two rounds because they don’t have a superstar. It’s the same thing for the guys below. I wouldn’t mind hanging out with them in a group, but if they ever asked me to get a beer with them I’d make up some stupid excuse like my non-existent Cat had to go to the hospital.
3. Chase (LW: 3):
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• When Chase gets eliminated, he will be remembered for one thing: the most boring and awkward 2 on 1 date in the history of the show.
2. Jordan (LW: 2):
• He is going to win.
• That’s all I have to say about him.
These guys, who are usually massive douchebags, are the type of guys I would want to get a beer with.
1. Luke (LW: 1):
• As I was watching that border line pornographic make-out session between Luke and JoJo I was thinking one thing: if you were JoJo, how on earth do you go on with your night and kiss other guys after that? We all know where the two of them wanted to go after that, but no, JoJo had to go and kiss James Taylor and a guy whose feet don’t touch the ground when he sits in a chair. Brutal.
• That make-out scene was straight out of a soap opera. I have only watched soap operas when waiting in the doctors office, but I feel like I’ve seen enough to know that that’s how every make out sessions goes down on a 11:30 AM soap opera on NBC.
• If I had a gun pointed at my head and was asked to guarantee one event to happen this season I would gamble on Luke 1000000% getting to the fantasy suite. JoJo has been wanting to get it on with Luke since day one, and I don’t blame her.
• Whose excited for the “I was so attracted to Luke physically that I don’t know him emotionally” storyline from JoJo!!!!!?????????!!!!!
Moment Of The Night:
For those of you who didn’t catch it, Derek was actually crying while the song “Don’t Cry For Me Argentina” was playing in the background. Don’t worry Derek….Messi retired from international soccer on Sunday night, they aren’t going to be crying about you.
Awkward Moment Of The Night: The entire Wells-JoJo date
Quote Of The Night:
“That was good….so good”
The Act Like You’ve Been There Before Award:
If you don’t get this award think of this Vince Lombardi quote, “when you get in the end zone, act like you’ve been there before.”
To open the show JoJo was sitting on a bench in Bueno Aires by herself before Chris Harrison came to discuss the week ahead. Being in Argentina JoJo decided that it was a good idea to drink some coffee, courtesy of none other then….Starbucks…..COME ON, MAN!!!!
Internet Moment Of The Night:
Hardo Of The Night:
Noun- a person who tries extremely hard at everything. Most times a hardo will try very hard at things that do not require excessive effort.
Robby going up to the goalkeeper and paying him off to let the ball go in so he could have a .5 second kiss with JoJo. He ended up missing anyways. Try less, Robby, try less.
Let me know your thoughts on last nights episode over on Twitter @BigDaddysCourt (I follow back)!