Is Ed Sheeran Trying To Get Dumped By Nicole Scherzinger With This HIDEOUS Chest Tattoo??

We recently brought you the news that Ed Sheeran is dating former Pussy Cat Dolls lead singer and certified 10 Nicole Scherzinger.

While recognizing Sheeran’s seemingly endless talent and likability, it’s glaringly obvious that physically she is out of his league. I love it, though, and think that the relationship is a beacon of hope for us average Joes. Now all we need to do is learn how to sing and sell out stadiums all over the world.

But the pitfalls of dating someone that hot is becoming overconfident. I know if I was dating someone as sizzling as Scherzinger, I would tie my dick around my leg. Sure, it’s only 5 inches at its peak, but perception trumps reality.

My advice for Ed would be not to rock the boat. Keep your voice beautiful and keep that down-to-earth, unaffected way about you. Overconfidence is the most dangerous form of carelessness and that’s the kind of shit that can breed a situation where a couple of nude people jump out of your bathroom blindfolded like a goddamn magic show ready to double team your girlfriend after you catch the early flight home from playing a show in San Diego.

Carelessness is getting a giant COLORED lion tattoo smack dab in the middle of your pasty chest. Some of my co-workers think its homage to Cecil the Lion, because we’re all desperately trying to find the motive.

Maybe Ed’s one step ahead of us. Maybe he inked a horrendous tattoo on his chest to see if Nicole is true about her intentions. Who the fuck am I to doubt the man or give advice? I had to wipe the cobwebs off my dick in the shower this morning.

“Do you like it babe???”

Matt Keohan Avatar
Matt’s love of writing was born during a sixth grade assembly when it was announced that his essay titled “Why Drugs Are Bad” had taken first prize in D.A.R.E.’s grade-wide contest. The anti-drug people gave him a $50 savings bond for his brave contribution to crime-fighting, and upon the bond’s maturity 10 years later, he used it to buy his very first bag of marijuana.