If there’s one thing the season finale of Game of Thrones had, it was a dick ton of not chill. Don’t get me wrong, it was a great episode, but mixed in with its soaring moments were some mass murder, dwarf cock blocking, and requests for permanent babysitting. All not chill things.
Let’s break it down.
Up first, the not chill bros from Episode Ten, ‘The Winds of Winter’
Imagine if Bill Clinton sent a cruise missile at Capitol Hill during his impeachment hearings.
Chill Bro Points: -1,000,000
Hey, I bet everyone wouldn’t be so mad at you if YOU RAISED THE GOD DAMN GIANT BACK FROM THE DEAD.
Chill Bro Points: -50,000
Lancel Lannister (in heaven): “A quarter of an inch this way, and I would have saved the Sept of Baelor.”
Charlie Conway: “Yea, but a quarter inch the other way and you’d have missed the candle completely.”
Lancel Lannister: “I never thought of it that way.”
Chill Bro Points: -25,000
The High Sparrow
Free will and self-determination are neither of his strong suits, and those are two things that make a chill Bro.
Chill Bro Points: -10,000
That is a HUGE ask. I mean, I love my sisters and all, but raise their babies? Hell no.
Chill Bro Points: -5,000
The White Raven
Talk about being the bearer of bad news (white ravens announce the official changing of seasons in Westeros).
Chill Bro Points: -25
Now, our chill Bros.
5. Margaery Tyrell
You tried. You died. But at least you tried.
Chill Bro Points: 100
4. Daario Naharis
Nothing like pouring yourself a drink after a hard day as foreman at the ship painting factory.
Chill Bro Points: 250
3. Jaimie Lannister
Helping your Bro get laid is such a chill thing to do.
Chill Bro Points: 500
2. Daenerys Targaryen
If we humans had our way, all we would do is have sex and never work, so pretty responsible here of Dany to put work before sex.
Oh, also she amassed a horde of batshit insane cavalry men, automaton elite soldiers, dragons, and island pirates to avenge her father’s death. Pretty cool.
Chill Bro Points: 25,000
1. Lyanna Mormont
“In this house, we fight for our king. In this house, we tear ourselves, and everyone around us to pieces for our king. We CLAW with our fingernails for our king.”
“Cause we know when that’s going to make the fucking difference between WINNING the war against the dead and LOSING the war against the dead. Between LIVING and DYING.”
Seriously, that was some Pacino in Any Given Sunday-esque shit right there. I wanna go fight a wight now for the King of the North.
Chill Bro Points: 250,000
So who won this season? Check back Wednesday, Bros.