There Were No Chill Bros On This Week’s Episode Of ‘Game Of Thrones’
That’s not entirely true. There were plenty of instances of chill in Episode Six: Unbowed, Unbent, Unbroken. From Arya lying through her teeth to kill a kid to Littlefinger crushing it over in Quip City, chill abounded. Hell, even those slavers — as abhorrent as their practice is — were pretty chill. Those were some chill ass punches to the face Ser Jorah took.
But, like this boss teacher who decided to fail his whole class because a couple of students were screwing around, I can’t award any chill points this morning. Because that last scene last night was so fucking abhorrent. I know smarter people will say better things about it today than me, but god damn did that seem so unnecessary. We already knew Ramsay Bolton was a psychopathic sleaze (he was last in the Chill Bro Rankings before yesterday), so what was the point of hammering that home?
And after Sansa had just asserted herself? That was a cruel twist for a television show. Remember, it’s just a dang TV show. This isn’t Piss Christ. Its job isn’t to offend our sensibilities. It’s to entertain. And all I’ll say is that was not entertaining. I had to go to a bar after I watched and down a couple drinks by myself just to cope.
I’m not even kidding. I’ve got pretty thick skin, too. I don’t even wanna think about how that might have been for someone else.
Soooo… Fuck that.
With that said, on to the unchill Bros of the evening.
5. Jaqen H’ghar
How many times do you need to whip a little girl in the face to get your point across? Two? Two seems like enough.
Chill Bro Points: -50
4. Myrcella Baratheon
Fucking teens, man. Fucking teens are all about love. Who cares if you love this Dornish dude? When your uncle who is also your father comes halfway across the world to whisk you away, you go. Or you get him fucked by the Sand Snakes. Stupid fucking teens.
Chill Bro Points: -100
3. The Dude Boning Loras Tyrell
You used to be cool, dude. You used to be cool.
Chill Bro Points: -400
2. The High Septon
Idk man just let the gay people be gay? Seems pretty easy to do.
Chill Bro Points: -300
1. Ramsay Bolton
Congratulations on being the most fucked up person on the face of the —
No, wait. I shouldn’t blame you. You are not to blame.
1. David Benioff and D.B. Weiss
Yep. That’s a much, much, much better number one. Fuck you dudes.
Chill Bro Points: Negative A Billion.
Here are the standing after six episodes. Be sure to check back next week. Disagree with my rankings? Take it to the comments.
1. Jon Snow: 499,950
2. Jaqen H’ghar: 9,950
3. Grey Worm: 1,700
4. Ser Barristan Selmy: 1,300
T-5. Daenerys Targaryen : 1,000
T-5. Roose Bolton: 1,000
7. Maester Aemon: 600
T-8. The Wall: 500
T-8. Rhaegal And Viserion: 500
T-8. Poderick: 500
T-8. The Sand Snakes: 500
T-12. The Unsullied: 400
T-12. Ser Davos Seaworth: 400
14. Lord Varys: 300
15. The Sons of The Harpy: 200
T-16. Melisandre: 100
T-16. Bronn the Sellsword: 100
T-16. Kevan Lannister: 100
T-16. Mance Rayder: 100
T-16: King Tommen Baratheon, First of His Name: 100
21. The Dude Boning Loras Tyrell: 0
22. Samwell Tarly: -50
T-23. Arya Stark – 100
T-23. Stannis Baratheon: -100
T-23. Brienne of Tarth: -100
26. Myrcella Baratheon: -100
27. Cersei Lannister: -200
28. The High Septon: -300
29. Drogon: -500
30. The Sparrows: -1,000
31. Ser Jorah Mormont: -5,500
32: Lord Petyr Baelish -10,000
33. David Benioff and D.B. Weiss: Negative A Billion
Ramsey Bolton: Disqualified