Why Kim Jong-un Will Never Be Bro


The Interview

It’s not hard to be a Bro. I work at a site called BroBible and I can’t even name the exact requirements because they are so lax, inclusive and nebulous. You gotta like beer, but if you don’t, that’s cool. You should watch sports, but it’s not the end of the world if you don’t. A lot of times I’d rather put on Netflix instead of the game and that ain’t grounds for excommunication.

What I’m trying to say is that it is easier to be a Bro than it isn’t. Most people who want to be Bros are pretty much accepted into our fraternity, which isn’t even a fraternity, but rather just dudes across the globe who like chill things.

Maybe that’s the standard. You gotta be chill. And you know what hoss thinks he’s chill but isn’t? The Supreme Leader of North Korea. I’m talking about Kim Jong-un.

Dude wishes he was a Bro. Tries to be chill. But let me tell you something. That man is not Bro.


Glad you asked. Where to start? Well, he kind of has a tendency to enslave, torture and murder his people. Talk about a try hard. And also talk about a person who commits torture and murder and enslavement. Usually during the day, most Bros try to get their work done without inflicting unnecessary pain and death upon people. So actively killing people? Smacks of effort.

So right off the bat, no. But he also sucks at sports and doesn’t get it. There’s nothing wrong with not being athletic. That’s just genes. Nothing anyone can do about that. But at some point after high school, you gotta realize you don’t got it. Kim Jong-un doesn’t realize he doesn’t have it. Instead, he uses his tremendous wealth and influence to lie about his golfing skills (note: this was his father, but whatever, Jong-un probably has, too) and he invites NBA players to his house for games of pick up where they have to go easy to him because they have an army of soldiers pointing guns at them, discouraging them from even attempting to grab an offensive board.

It’s like, dude, just watch football like the rest of us.

I read in GQ that he once tried to kill his personal chef. If I had a personal chef, I would NEVER try and kill him. I would be like, thank you for making me food, personal chef. And if I had some serious, serious reservations with the way he cooked, I would maybe mutually part ways, but not by attempting to murder him.

Also, it sounds like Jong-un never had any of his boys over for some danky personal chef food, which is a total dick mood. Bros don’t expect their rich friends to carry their weight or any of that shit, but like, you gotta spread the wealth. Which, you’d think maybe Jong-un was doing with the whole communism thing, but it sounds like that’s not happening. It’s like the old saying goes: Communism in theory? Bro. Communism in practice? Not Bro.

Plus, he only got his cush gig because of his daddy, which is some Connecticut-laxer, Goldman Sachs-type shit. Nah.

It also appears that Kim Jong-un is overly obsessed with his virility. The man apparently drinks wine which venomous snakes have been steeped in for months because he thinks it will improve his sperm. Let’s have a thought exercise. A random person walks up to you and he says, “Hi, my name is Frank and I drink wine venomous snakes have been steeped in because I think it improves my virility.”

Does that sound like a Bro to you? All the while, Jong-un is hyping himself up. Way too much. Can’t stop talking about his nukes. Me thinks someone doth overcompensate too much.

And he didn’t find this funny. Talk about not Bro.