Let me be clear, I have no idea what Microsoft’s exact plans for Mojang’s Minecraft are besides paying a sheedload of money for it.
If you go by Microsoft’s history of mishandling its own product, their track record of modest returns on investment and raucous failures is hilariously promising. It’s like getting to watch Miley Cyrus fall face-first into a concrete sidewalk while attempting to twerk, again. Unfortunately, one is a likely reality and the other is just a nightly prayer to All That Be Holy.
With that potential for robust bungling in mind, what would it look like? What will they do with the gaming behemoth that is Minecraft? I have some ideas…
Add the ‘Microsoft’ Logo to every brick
Taking a trick out of LEGO’s playbook, Microsoft will add a discrete, digital signature to every single brick that you build with. Remember, son…this is a world that Microsoft built. You know, after buying it for $2.5 billion.
Move to Microsoft servers, require Gold XBox Live account to play
Though Microsoft is a billion dollar company, they don’t really profit that much on the video game side of things. In fact, XBox Live was one of the few things that actually brought in money during the XBox and XBox 360 console cycles.
Naturally, it’s gonna be Minecraft’s turn to walk that pimp’s stroll and bring those trick-ass user accounts home to daddy so they can be forced to exist under the Live umbrella. But if it’s handled like Live accounts were during the 360 launch’s red ring o’ death epidemic, then a lot of folks are gonna lose a lot of amazing creations they worked tirelessly to build.
Change grass color to match XBox’s electric green
What better way to sell people on the underperforming XBox One than to subliminally link its electric green visage to the iconic, ever-reaching grass pastures of Minecraft? It will take some getting used to, of course, but nothing would look better than than radioactive green stretching out for hundreds of thousands of fictional miles, right?
Replace XBox avatars with Minecraft characters, people will actually use them
Those perma-cheerful avatars that run on the XBox consoles are the kind of thing your grandma would design if she knew how to code and wasn’t already dead. If you’re going to hope to pander to the lowest common denominator of gamer, make sure that they look as regular and ordinary as possible.
And White. Very, very White.
All creations will be copyrighted by Microsoft patent trolls
Microsoft is distinct for making obtuse, bloated, operating systems. It should be interesting to know, then, that their most profitable system is the Android OS. Oh yeah, GOOGLE’S Android OS. How is this possible? Patent trolling.
In the 2000’s when Google’s growth and power started to step all over Microsoft’s sneakers, Microsoft realized it was outclassed. So instead of innovating, they focused on having their engineers patent every idea they could come up with. As a result, Google pays them $2 billion a year in
shakedown patent money.
If you make a TV, it will automatically and exclusively play Surface commercials
Speaking of under-performing Microsoft products (a deliciously fun subject) the Microsoft surface, despite a slick commercial campaign and the support of Peter-North-size loads of MS Office-hustled money, Surface is getting it’s butthole poked by Apple and Samsung. So why not use the Minecraft platform to hustle a few messages through? (Side note: This feature will probably work for movie screens too after the initial patch cluster.)
Will make it run on a Windows 9 backbone, crash incessantly
After the furious collapse of the Windows 8 operating system, Microsoft knows they’re on the clock to produce a product people won’t hate. They’ve pegged the Windows 7 support end date for January of 2020. Before then, they’ve got to convert you somehow to something un-shitty. Minecraft on Windows 9 will be that unshittiness! Lots of features you don’t need activated by gui design cues you didn’t want on a platform that soaks up resources you need to run the games you purchased are first order for Microsoft.
After all these changes, if you still like playing Minecraft consider yourself lucky and enjoy it. Under Microsoft your enjoyment won’t last long.