The Official COPS Drinking Game

One Drink Category: Take one drink…

  • For every cop who has a moustache.
  • Every time a cop says, “Get on the ground.” (Be careful, because this one can get intense in stand-off situations.)
  • Every time a warrant is out for the suspect's arrest. (And take a bonus drink if someone claims there isn't a warrant but there actually is.)
  • If they find marijuana. (I mean weed is basically legal now anyways.)

Two Drinks Category: Take 2 drinks…

  • If the cops find heroin, crack, cocaine, or crack cocaine.
  • For every person who claims to not have any identification on them.
  • For every suspect who's on parole.
  • For every person who has his/her shirt off.

Three Drinks Category: Take 3 drinks…

  • If the cops find meth or a meth pipe. (Yes, people are still doing meth.)
  • If the suspect says “That’s not mine” or “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
  • When someone clearly intoxicated says they had “just a couple.” Bonus drinks for how many beers they eventually claim to have had. (They usually follow “just a couple” with “like 2 or 3.”)
  • If the cops bust someone for prostitution. (Undercover stings can add drinks up quickly. Those undercover, fully-teethed, female cops are probably a steep upgrade to your standard run of the mill street prostitute, which makes them basically impossible to resist.)

Five Drinks Category: Take 5 drinks…

  • If the cop at the beginning of the segment mentions the night shift.
  • If the cop at the beginning of the segment mentions that they didn’t want to have a normal desk job.
  • If the police dog gets unleashed.
  • If the suspect says the vehicle he’s driving is his “friend's” or “girlfriend's.”
  • If someone gets tased.

Eight Drinks Category: Take 8 drinks…

  • Any time you see blood.
  • If the cops give a pamphlet to someone that asks for his help.
  • If someone wrecks a vehicle while in a chase.
  • If someone gets pepper sprayed.
  • The cop has to take out a sheet to read the Miranda rights. (This isn’t amateur hour.)

Scaled Drinks:

These are scenarios that are based on a 1 to 10 drink scale, which you can judge at your own discretion.

Emotional Breakdown: Drink on a scale of 1 to 10 based on the severity of the particular emotional breakdown. One drink would be for a single tear, and 10 drinks would be gulped down for someone who's balling his eyes out and screaming obscenities, all while holding a cat or a human child.

Mullet Madness: Drink on a scale of 1 to 10 on how sweet their mullet is. Bonus points should be taken into consideration if the guy doesn’t have a shirt on, and is holding a beer.

Finish Your Drink or Take a Shot: I’ll leave this one up to you on how drunk you want to get. Finish your drink or take a shot…

  • If multiple gun shots are fired
  • If you see a dead body
  • If someone has to be double handcuffed due to their large size
  • Someone gets both pepper sprayed and tased in the same segment
  • Police have to capture a wild animal
  • If a lady has a dead cat in her freezer. (This is the golden ticket of the game, if you will.)

*Just be careful how many episodes you play along to as you do not want to end up on the show yourself, claiming that you’ve only had “a couple” beers. Enjoy!

Toby Davis is a comedian originally from the plains of South Dakota and has been alive ever since birth. Follow him on Twitter here, or like his Facebook page