Remember Kelis? No? It’s okay, I don’t either. No one does, really, since the only thing she did was sing a song that every middle school refused to play during dances, yet for some reason “Get Low” by Lil Jon and the Eastside Boyz was okay. I’m talking about “Milkshake,” that tune you sang along to at the ripe age of 12 and would make you defiantly lie that “YEAH I know what a Milkshake is, do YOU??” whenever a friend would be like “I bet you don’t know what a milkshake is.” To be honest, I still don’t know what a milkshake is. Yeah I guess it’s a blowjob? But I don’t know anyone who’s ever said “Hey baby give me a milkshake” and actually meant a blowjob. It was basically the “My Humps” of 2003.
Well guess what kids, here’s a big fat load of truths for you about life that you should’ve learned a long, long time ago:
1. Kim Kardashian’s butt is fake as fuck
2. Tri-boob lady is a big fat faker
3. Santa isn’t real
4. The Easter Bunny has gonorrhea
5. Kelis doesn’t even like milkshakes
That’s right, the lady who sang the frickin’ “Milkshake” song DOESN’T EVEN LIKE MILKSHAKES. Serious question Kelis, are you Satan? Because only Satan would fuck with the entire world like that, and who the fuck doesn’t like milkshakes besides?
The 35-year-old singer, who had a hit with her 2003 song ‘Milkshake’ – which she previously revealed is a metaphor for ”something that makes women special” – has admitted she isn’t actually a fan of the calorific beverages and never drinks them.
When asked what her favourite flavour of the tasty treats is, she replied: ”Funnily, enough I don’t actually drink milkshakes.”
Your life, my life, and everyone in between’s lives are all lies. I don’t even know what to do with myself now, I might as well just go chug a gallon of bleach while chilling in a tub with a plugged-in toaster precariously perched on the edge. You see what you did to me, Kelis? My fate is in your milkshake-barren hands now.