Check Up On These VMA Best New Artist Nominees From The Past Whose Music You Grew Up Getting Handjobs To

Sisqo, man. I don’t think there’s one red-blooded American male who hasn’t gotten a half-assed, uninspired handjob with Sisqo in his ear. Personally, the dude was more present for my hookups as a kid than my uncle. Just kidding, man. That’s dark. Anyway, now that I’ve soiled by name to thousands of strangers, I’m going to sign off and drink some bleach.

VMAs tonight. 9 pm EST.

Matt Keohan Avatar
Matt’s love of writing was born during a sixth grade assembly when it was announced that his essay titled “Why Drugs Are Bad” had taken first prize in D.A.R.E.’s grade-wide contest. The anti-drug people gave him a $50 savings bond for his brave contribution to crime-fighting, and upon the bond’s maturity 10 years later, he used it to buy his very first bag of marijuana.