The Lohanaissance happened this year regardless of whether you noticed. I’m not talking about a McConaughey-style career revival–although LiLo did headline a play in London’s West End–just that, I started following her on Instagram. So it wasn’t much of a Renaissance. Sue me.
And yea, my attention didn’t earn her money or accolades or even recognition from the mainstream media, but it got her lot of attention on this website, which is nearly as good as an Oscars and millions of dollars. We have nearly 400,000 Facebook fans. Four-hundred thousand.
Having documented the revolution, and with the end of the year fast approaching, I thought it would be the perfect time to look back at the intersection of Lindsay Lohan’s Instagram account and a depraved, borderline-stalkish blogger and the profound work he produced.
11. Lindsay Lohan’s Getting All Emo on Insta, Prolly Cause You Won’t Have Sex With Her
Forced, Rushed, probably not all that true. This was one of my worst Lindsay Lohan posts about an instagram post of her this year. She probably was feeling emotional in the picture she shared, but probably not because you wouldn’t have sex with her. It’s more likely just withdrawal from a night of heavy MDMA use. Kids call it the sads.
10. Man, Lindsay Lohan Makes Some Shitty-Ass Lasagna
It’s true that this lasgana might have tasted good, but I doubt it. If we polled everyone in the world, I guarantee more than 51% would not trust her to make them an Italian dinner. Nonetheless, it was wrong of me to just straight-up insult her cooking without trying it. I should not have taken such a derogatory position.
9. Why, It’s Lindsay Lohan’s Butt. Right Here. On Our Website.
A lot of commenters chimed in with “what butt?” and I guess I did not address that in my post. I should have anticipated that a good deal of readers would not have much appreciation for the ass of a skinny, Irish, white girl. But do I regret sharing this picture with our audience? No. No I do not.
8. We Can’t Tell If Lindsay Lohan Is Topless In This Selfie. Can You?
Speculative, but in a way the engages the reader. I did not oversell this post despite its somewhat clicky headline, and I feel I produced an article that left readers satisfied. Also, She may have been topless.
7. Who The Fuck Is This Dude And Is He Boning Lindsay Lohan?
A tight, sharp look at a man who had, over a span of ten days, creeped into Lindsay’s Instas. While this post was funny, insightful, informative and it included a lot of pictures from Lindsay Lohan’s Instagram account, it was unfortunately incorrect. The man is not boning her. After I posted this, a friend in the know emailed to say the guy is “her stylist and gay, but nice post anyway.”
6. Lindsay Lohan Is Showing Some Leg Tonight
This was before the GQ Awards, where Lindsay Lohan showed off a sequined, sparkly dress and a nice right leg. She also presented an award to Tony Blair that night. I shit you not. I think. I did not research that, because I did not think the post merited research. I stand by that decision.
5. Dude, Lindsay Lohan Totally Wants to Get Down Right Now
No one died and made me the king of “this girl’s got fuck me eyes in this picture,” but in this picture, Lindsay Lohan definitely had fuck me eyes and I felt comfortable declaring that.
4. We Haven’t Posted a Photo of Lindsay Lohan in a Bikini in Like Four Hours. Let’s Change That
Straight, to the point, with no onerous bullshit weighing the post down. This is exactly what you want when you write a post about Lindsay Lohan posting a picture to Instagram.
3. Still on the Fence About Doing Lindsay Lohan? Let This Picture Persuade You.
A conversation starter, a rejoinder, and a rebuttal all packaged into one persuasive blog post.
2. Lindsay Lohan’s Latest Instagram Ends the Talk About Whether You’d Sleep With Her
The bright purple and orange neon of this suit contrasts perfectly with Lohan’s tanned body. A great picture on her part, and a great post on mine.
1. Look, Alls I’m Saying Is, If Push Came to Shove, You’d Do Lindsay Lohan
The post that began it all. I hadn’t written about Lindsay Lohan at all in my first year at BroBible until I saw this photo. I thought about all the people who said nasty things about her. Skank, crack ho, etc., and I realized these people were wrong. So I posited a simple premise. If a guy has holding a gun to your head and said “You can either have sex with Lindsay Lohan or die,” you would chose sex with Lindsay Lohan.
That is as true then as it is now. Here’s to 2015. And more photos of Lindsay Lohan.