Miss California
#misscaliforniausa #roadtomissusa #ca pic.twitter.com/64ic4or0uA
— Natasha Martinez (@RealMissCAUSA) February 10, 2015
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Was ecstatic to meet @helloross the other night at the @QVC pre-Oscar party! pic.twitter.com/rDn6FvpnvJ — Natasha Martinez (@RealMissCAUSA) March 2, 2014
Prelims last night! #flawlessbyamin pic.twitter.com/yI0Jq9oKFJ
— Natasha Martinez (@RealMissCAUSA) June 5, 2014
“”Name: Natasha Martinez
Height: 5’ 7”
Chances You Have Of Getting With Her: Natasha has a degree in Broadcast Journalism from Chapman University and has interned for Entertainment Tonight as well as ABC7. You know how hard it is to get an internship with companies like those? Hard. HARD! She also spent a season working as a Laker Girl where she, quote, “learned the importance and skills of being a brand ambassardor.” Yeah okay, that sounds like a load of horseshit but you know what? It takes some smarts to be able to BS your way through a resume like that.
I’ll set your chances at a 1/10.
Miss Colorado
https://www.instagram.com/p/zTvaKLt018/
https://www.instagram.com/p/y0vIxFt0zZ/Name: Talyah Polee
Height: 5’ 8”
Chances You Have Of Getting With Her: Holy fucking shit this girl is a former D1 Track and Field athlete and ranks fourth all-time in the pentathlon at the University of Nevada Las Vegas. She’s also planning on getting a master’s degree in psychology, which means she’s exactly 5,000x smarter than you and I put together. But…there’s hope! A very slim glimmer of it. If you fake a psychological disorder and somehow get her to use you for her Master’s thesis, maybe you can score a sympathy handjob under a desk one afternoon.
Or not. 2/10.
Miss Connecticut
https://www.instagram.com/p/18255omx3H/
https://www.instagram.com/p/2hFUrvmxzG/Name: Ashley Golebiewski
Height: 5’ 9”
Chances You Have Of Hooking Up With Her: This is how she chose to end her bio,
Through this work, she wants to share with people of all ages that it’s important to believe in yourself and love who you are including all of your imperfections because they are what make you unique.
Ashley, this isn’t a Disney movie. That shit might fly for you out in the pageant world but in the real one? Not so much. I’ve got a unibrow and that makes me “ugly” moreso than “unique.” I suppose you could spit some “I can show you the world” a-la Aladdin game at her and hope for the best. 4/10.
Miss Delaware
Name: Renee Bull
Height: 5’ 9”
Chances You Have Of Hooking Up With Her: I have a feeling the contestants all wrote their own bios. You know why I have that feeling? Because some are written much better (and some much worse) than others. Take for example Renee:
She currently launched her first business, a custom jewelry boutique…
“Currently” is in the present-tense and “launched” is past-tense. Maybe she’s Dr. Emmett Brown from Back to the Future in her free time (in which case you don’t want to hook up with her in the first place), but for some reason I doubt it. I know that having poor grammar doesn’t necessarily mean you’re less intelligent than others but…come on. 7/10.
Miss District of Columbia
Name: Lizzy Olsen
Height: 5’ 10”
Chances You Have Of Hooking Up With Her: She went to law school. You live in your parents’ basement. She’s the “Majority Director of Operations for the Senate Committee of Environment and Public Works.” You work at Subway for minimum wage.
Yeah…I don’t think so.
0/10.
Miss Florida
Name: Ashleigh Lollie
Height: 5’ 7”
Chances You Have Of Hooking Up With Her: Ashleigh is another student in law school. What’s with all these hot lawyers? Did I pick the wrong field to study (I studied English, so the answer to that question is “Yes, yes you did”)? Anyways, she’s a law student meaning she’s overworked and not paid at all. She doesn’t have time for your dumbass tryna scoop a number from her.
0/10.
[All biographical information via Miss Universe]