Uncle Jesse Sure Pulled Himself A Hot Girlfriend For Being A Failed Musician And Living In Danny Tanner’s Attic

Uncle Jesse is the anti-American Dream. Danny Tanner works his fucking dad jeans off to be the bread winner in the family while Jesse chills up in the attic that his brother pays for holding on to a music dream that should have died when Reagan was in office. Jesse and the Rippers’ big day in the sun was opening for Puddle of Mudd at the local Chili’s. If noone has the balls to tell Katsopolis, I will: Yo Jess, it’s not a career if you don’t make any money. It’s a hobby. I don’t jerk off in my basement and report it on my taxes.

Anyway, it goes to show you that mooching off your brother and not having a viable career is erroneous when you have hair that would Jared Leto blush. No one can deny Uncle Jesse’s maple syrupy complexion and his perfectly wafted locks. Simply heavenly.

That’s what must’ve allowed the 52-year-old to lock down certified scud missile, Caitlin McHugh. McHugh is a model and small time actress, making short appearances in I Am Legend and is best known for her role in Vampire Diaries.

She fits the bill for my liking: dark hair, dark eyes, athletic build, girl next door look with a hint of possible freak mixed in. Once she’s sees Jesse and the Rippers in concert, I’m sure she’ll second guess the relationship. That’s when a doughy, uninspired blogger steps in to show her what she’s missing.

Matt Keohan Avatar
Matt’s love of writing was born during a sixth grade assembly when it was announced that his essay titled “Why Drugs Are Bad” had taken first prize in D.A.R.E.’s grade-wide contest. The anti-drug people gave him a $50 savings bond for his brave contribution to crime-fighting, and upon the bond’s maturity 10 years later, he used it to buy his very first bag of marijuana.