We’re deep in the midst of the summer beach season, and as usual, we’ve noticed that a lot of you can’t behave like civilized human beings. Look, I get it. It’s hotter than a volcano, there are women in bikinis everywhere, and when you combine all that with dehydration and sunstroke, it’s easy to understand how people go out of their mind at the beach and turn into a collection of roving douchebags and creeps. But we’re here to make it easier for you with this handy cheat sheet of these nine things not to do at the beach this summer.
I know. I understand. There are hot women in bikinis everywhere and your eyes are going to do their thing. You’re only human. But, dammit, man, don’t just sit there and stare like a serial killer, okay? You’ll just end up creeping everyone out. Just because there are less clothes at the beach doesn’t mean that the rules of decent society still don’t apply. Don’t be this dude. You’re ruining the vibe, man.
8. Sit Too Close to Others
Sometimes the beach gets crowded, and you can’t help it. That’s one thing. It’s quite another to toss all your shit down in the sand and then plop down two feet away from someone else when there are acres of space available. That’s just uncomfortable for everyone. First of all, everyone is wearing only their swimsuits so personal space becomes even more important than normal. Second, you don’t want them hearing everything you have to say and they sure as hell don’t want you eavesdropping on their conversations. I mean, your nice day at the beach is going to be something that gives you PSTD if you spend two hours listening to a couple of old ladies discuss menopause because the beach reminds them of their hot flashes. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.
7. Hit on Random Girls
Look man, this is just creepy and you’re embarrassing yourself. Again, everyone is half naked and feeling vulnerable, so you come across like a sex predator. But you also have to realize that everyone on the beach is watching you make a fool of yourself. They’re all either sneering with disgust or laughing at you. And as soon as you turn your back, those girls are just going to start mocking you. I’m not saying that you shouldn’t try to make something happen if the opportunity presents itself, but don’t be that dude who just rolls up on a group of girls while they’re sunbathing and starts dropping lines. It’s awkward as hell, and you come across as desperate. You’re better than that, right?
6. Walk Around in Regular Clothes
Again, everyone is half naked, but it’s okay because everyone’s in it together. This changes when a dude just starts wandering around in jeans, sneakers and a long sleeve shirt. At best, you look like you’re lost, like you stumbled onto the beach by accident and just don’t have the good sense to leave. People will think you’re slow. At worst, you look like a pervert who couldn’t even be bothered to try to blend in, especially because the dude in regular clothes also tends to be the dude who just stands around and stares. It’s creepy as hell. At least throw on some shorts. Besides, aren’t you hot?
5. Think the Beach Belongs to You
The beach is a shared space, and that means that you have to be aware that other people might not want you and your idiot friends to take over the whole damn thing with giant speakers blaring bro-country while you stage an elaborate football game that sees you diving over people’s towels. It’s okay to have fun, but you can’t just assume that everyone is going to be cool with you acting like you’re at a backyard BBQ. You’re not. You’re at a public beach. These people don’t know you, and while you may be confident in your ability to throw perfect passes to your buds all day long, they’ll just be forced to sit there nervously, waiting for the ball to rocket into their heads at any minute. Do your thing, but make sure you have the space to do it in. That’s all I’m saying.
4. Spray Sand All Over Everyone
This is perhaps oddly specific, but it’s a personal pet peeve, and it’s something that happens all the time at the beach. It happens when you run past someone laying on their towel, only you run a little too close and kick sand all over them. You don’t even realize you’re doing it, but I have to tell you something – you are history’s greatest monster. Most of the time, it’s little kids who do this, and you can kind of excuse that because kids are basically tiny idiots and don’t know any better. But every once in a while, you get some bro who apparently has never been around sand before throwing that crap in your face, your food and everything else that happens to be in the blast radius known as your towel. I’m pretty sure this is how Kim Jong Il got his start.
3. Let Your Dog/Kids Run Wild
I’m not saying you have to chain the beasts up, but you do need to keep an eye on them, okay? Yeah, yeah, your children and your dog are the greatest ever and you love them to pieces, but that doesn’t mean that everyone else does, you know? You might think it’s cute when your kid wanders over and dumps a bucket of water on someone, or when your hyperactive dog starts licking the eyeballs of some poor sunbather, but this is the sort of thing that turns regular people into dog hating, childless Disney villains. I’m sure that Cruella de Vil was perfectly happy and normal until one day at the beach when someone’s rambunctious Dalmation took a shit next to her head. Just keep an eye on your beasts, both the human and the four legged kind. That’s all I ask.
2. Be the ‘Fun’ Guy
You know who I’m talking about. This is the dude who spends the whole time talking and hollering at a level normally reserved for fighter jet engines. It’s the dude who fancies himself the ultimate alpha male and seeks to dominate the beach with the sheer force of his jackassery. It’s the dude who brings a bullhorn to the beach and shouts vulgar shit at everyone just because he and his hyena bros think it’s funny. It’s the dude who letches all over all the girls, openly and without shame, because he thinks that everyone loves him. In short, it’s the dude who does most of the other things on this list, all wrapped up in one incredibly douchey package. Do not be this dude.
1. Be the ‘Adult’
I know that thanks to the nature of this article, I’ve probably come across as a bit of a killjoy, but really, the one thing that every type of person described here has in common is that they lack balance. But that goes the other way too. If you’re going to the beach, you need to be aware that people are there to enjoy themselves. Don’t be that person who turns into a joyless ogre just because a stray football lands a few feet away. Don’t be the jerk who spends the whole day shooting dirty looks at a group of people who committed the unforgivable crime of being young and energetic. Sure, people can be assholes, but there is no bigger asshole than the joyless miser who demands that everyone act exactly the way he wants. You have to remember the same thing as all the rest: the beach belongs to everyone, not just you.