The Kim Kardashian: Hollywood app has taken the world by storm, presumably either because Kris Jenner has a super-secret mind control device like the world’s lamest and most obnoxious Bond villain, or because we’re all ridiculous idiots. Either way. Thanks to this communal brain softening, we thought it would be a good time to take a look into the gaping maw of the app market, do our best not to let it turn our brains to jelly, and bring you these, eight of the dumbest apps of them all.
8. ‘Kim Kardashian: Hollywood’
We’ll start with Kim K, who I’m convinced has to be dealing with some dark magic to constantly turn shit into gold like this. Yet again, she has made millions of dollars from something ridiculous, this time an app that lets you be a part of Kim’s grotesque, sideshow vision of Hollywood, building your way up to A-List status by doing all the horrible shit Kim and her kin are forced to do by their insane puppet master mom/manager, Kris Jenner. Alas, there’s no “sex tape” stage or “get pissed on, move up to B-List status” stage, but they have to leave something for the inevitable sequel, I guess.
7. ‘Guess the Emoji’
This is basically deciphering hieroglyphics for morons. It’s exactly what it says – you’re given an emoji or series of emojis and then asked to guess what idea they’re trying to convey. I’m not quite sure why we needed this, especially because we already have that game. It’s called Facebook and Twitter, and every idiot you know is already playing.
7. ‘Water Globe’
Look, there are literally thousands of apps just as stupid as this – it’s an app that lets you turn your phone’s display into a snow/water globe – but what sets the water globe apart is that it is inexplicably priced at $219.99. What in the…? Is there anyone on Earth who has actually paid for this app? And if there is, can you please give them my number. I have some very important investment opportunities for them.
5. ‘Pocket Girlfriends’
Now this is just sad. It basically turns your phone into a virtual girlfriend, which, if we’re being honest, has already happened for a lot of dudes out there. Don’t lie, you know what debauched nonsense you’ve whispered to Siri in the dark of the night. This app, though, takes it further, by letting you dress up an avatar, interact with it, deal with its moods, etc. About the only thing you can’t do is actually bone it, but I’m sure that Apple is working on that as we speak for the iPhone 6. But for now, it’s like having a platonic robot girlfriend, which means that even your own phone has friendzoned you, dude. Shameful.
4. ‘Cry Translator’
This app promises to translate the cries of your baby so that you know what the little brat is hollering about. And if you’re actually using this thing, jamming your phone in your baby’s face while he wails away, then I’m pretty sure his cries will be translated as “Help! My parents suck! They’ll probably accidentally flush me down the toilet one day!” There. Problem solved.
3. ‘Sexy Finger Print Test HD’
Oh, Jesus Christ. This particular app asks you to place your fingerprint on the phone and then it reads all sorts of ridiculous shit about you and your love life, promising to somehow let you know when you’re at your sexiest and most appealing so that you can time your lecherous advances just right. Yeah. It’s basically dumber than astrology. But what makes it even dumber, heinously dumb even, is that it costs $99.99. Yeah, you read that right. To be fair, I’m guessing the apps’ creators knew that anyone dumb enough to buy into the ridiculous premise in the first place was going to also be dumb enough to drop 100 bones on it. Or maybe it just costs that much because hidden in the app is a super-secret sterilization program that takes your DNA from the phone and makes sure that it can never be replicated. One can only hope.
You knew this would be on here. That’s because in spite of its absurd premise – it’s an app that just texts the word “Yo” to your idiot friends – it’s made millions of dollars for its developers and… this is just too depressing to think about any more. What a ridiculous age.
1. ‘Hold the Button’
It’s exactly what it says. You push and hold down a button and then the app gives you a score based on how long you can press the damn thing like a drooling simpleton. I don’t think I want to live in this world anymore. Good Lord.