Whether we like it or not, text messaging has become our main form of communication. We’re accessible 24/7 and this has taken dating to a whole other level. But text is just text. We don’t have tone, body language, or anything human to help us interpret these often vague and cryptic messages. Don’t worry, I’m here to help. Here are some texts you’ve probably all received from a lady friend and I’m going to tell you what she really meant to say.
This girl is two well-played texts away from sending you some NSFW images. Send her an encouraging text or a playful selfie back but whatever you do – do not send her a photo of your dong unless she asks for it. Nothing kills the mood like an unsolicited, semi-flaccid penis. There’s nothing wrong with your penis – it’s just the kind of thing you need to see in person to really appreciate. A naughty text will get you much farther. Trust me.
“Traffic is bad – be there ASAP!”
She’s just now leaving her house after trying on all of her clean clothes and pounding a pint glass full of wine. Unfortunately, you’re already at the restaurant. Order a drink and break out the Candy Crush. It’ll be a while.
Any of the “flirty” emojis
Best case scenario, she’s just screwing around and being silly. Respond with your own chain of nonsense emojis. I have a soft spot for the smiling turd. Worst case scenario, she has difficulty expressing herself sexually as an adult woman and so resorts to minuscule, vaguely suggestive cartoons. If this is true, she’s probably a tease. Proceed cautiously.
This text could mean one of two things. Most likely, it’s a booty call. Hop in shower, clear your computer history, and throw away the food garbage in your room. But this could also mean that something bad happened in her life and she wants someone to talk to about it. Congratulations! You’re her confidant! Before you worry you’re in the friend-zone, this could lead to some shoulder-to-cry-on sex. But don’t push it too hard. Don’t be a predator, ok?
She wants to start a conversation but is terrified, uncreative, or a minimalist. If she attached a bunch of unnecessary “y’s”, she’s feeling flirty. This is my absolute least favorite text message to receive. Have something to say or say nothing.
Nothing at all
You texted something that required a response, like a question, or something annoyingly vague like “hey.” If she’s been quiet for 1-2 days, she’s been living her life like a sane normal human. 3+ days? She’s probably not into you.
“Can I call?”
Oof. Brace yourself. It’s probably not good. Or she’s driving and is being very responsible.
Uh oh. Good-bye, Claire. Maybe Claire liked a beach photo of you or sent you a text after 10pm. Whatever it is, your girl has done some digging and is out for blood. Apologize. Even if you just sent Claire a work-related email. Claire is dead to you now, because, let’s be honest, if given the opportunity and enough beer, you’d probably bang Claire.
She is angry and persistent – a dangerous combination. You need to deal with this girl because she will find you. Make a clean and direct break. Then pray you never sent her a dick pic. This is the kind of woman who’s trying to bring back public hangings.