10 Sexual Terms That Would Make For Perfect G.I. Joe and Cobra Figure Names
Yeah, BroBible does too. We miss them so much that we set out to create our own line of the classic three and three-quarters-sized figures — with a twist, of course. We needed to find a source of new names and military specialities that would sound like the original series and resonate with a new generation of fans.
So BroBible sought out the only place where you can get it all: UrbanDictionary.com. We’ve created 10 new figures total; and since we’d never be able to paint those colorful action shots like the ones on the old packages, we’ve written up their mock file cards. We dare you to look up the definitions.
Code Name: The Stranger
G.I. Joe Bomb Squad Leader
Secondary Military Specialty: Indecent Exposure
A member of the G.I. Joe team since just after the September 11th, 2001, terrorist attacks, the Stranger likes to say that he’s had a “hand” in all bomb-related special missions — whether it be discharging and disposing of IEDs on Cobra Island; or closely inspecting Scarlett’s “bombs.” He’s also the resident party animal and prankster, feeding Law & Order’s dog laxatives and teaching Shipwreck’s parrot to say the F-word.
“When the Stranger put in his application for the Joes, he included these hand-written rap lyrics: ‘The Stranger is no stranger to strange behavior/he’ll stick a flag pole up your ass and see just like Harvey Danger/Give him some bubbly and do him a favor/he’s a master on the mic and a fantastic pipe-layer.’ He was hired on the spot.”
Code Name: Space Docker
G.I. Joe Aerospace Technician
Secondary Military Speciality: Pilates Instructor
As part of the original team that launched the G.I. Joe’s Defiant space program — i.e. to make sure Cobra didn’t take over the cosmos — Space Docker, along with comrades Hardtop and Payload specked out the shuttle, made sure to pay all of the itinerant workers on the project, and was there the day it made its first mission into the Great Beyond. Space Docker is the behind-the-scenes Joe — the Einstein-esque technician who never gets the credit but does everything.
“I grew up reading Isaac Asimov books and comic books, so obviously, rocket-science was the logical next step. Sure, I threw away most of my years in college and am a scourge when it comes to the fairer sex; but there’s always ‘the five sisters,’ if you know what I mean.”
Code Name: Silent Assassin
G.I. Joe Ninja
Secondary Military Specialty: Haiku-writing
Silent Assassin was trained in Tokyo, Japan, at the same dojo that Snake-Eyes, Storm Shadow, and Cobra Commander learned their martial arts skills. The Joe team was able to recruit him before Cobra could — and plus, they had way better health benefits. Whether he’s out somewhere kicking ass in public, or in the confines of a movie theater, you should feel safer knowing that Silent Assassin’s No. 1 goal is safety and protection.
“Silent Assassin lives in the shadows, skulks in the corners, using his unique brand of martial arts to take down Cobra or ‘Stop and Frisk’ a homie in New York City under the full jurisdiction of the law. New York Police Commissioner Ray Kelly said of SA: ‘This guy should be an example to all of you blacks, latinos, and Chinese that think you can get away with just being yourself and living comfortably in the Big Apple. We have news for you. And karate.’”
Code Name: Cobra Yawn
Enemy IED Maker
Secondary Military Specialty: Weaponized Jorts
Cobra Yawn is a special division Cobra Commander launched on Cobra Island to kill off unsuspecting Joes trying to infiltrate its banks. CY’s will plant IEDs in phony dumpsters, in fake shrubberies — sometimes even in their underpants — and detonate them at will. Often, Cobra Yawn troops are the ones with the giant bulges in the front of their pants — hence, the term “suspicious package.”
“Cobra Yawn is an elite band of the toughest, fiercest enemy combatants, in training for years before they set out on the job. When interviewed about his role on Cobra Island, one CY said, ‘Dude, it’s just my job five days a week … to walk around with semtex in my jockey shorts. You try it sometime.’”
Code Name: Serpent Socket
Cobra Cave Operator
Secondary Military Specialty: Cobra Chef
Serpent Socket was hired by Cobra’s Emperor Serpentor to look after a series of caves on the craggy shores of the Eastern quadrant of Cobra Island. He’s a weasley little fellow, who joined Cobra mostly for the money, the decent health benefits, and the low percentage of travel days (his wife, an overweight former model, is unable to move off their couch). Given that Serpent Socket lives in and out of caves most of his days, his eyesight has started to go, but he’s extremely comfortable in the dark. If you find yourself somewhere dark, make sure you’re ready for Serpent Socket.
“Look, I love my job on Cobra Island, and Serpentor’s an awesome boss, but living and working in caves all day is really hard on … hard on … well, it’s really difficult. Everybody looks at Cobra as this highly intelligent and evil organization, but let me tell you, there’s feelings behind those masks. Sometimes, tears.”
Code Name: Frog Hog
G.I. Joe Recruiter
Secondary Military Specialty: G.I. Joe Hairdresser
Frog Hog joined the G.I. Joe team after drunkenly pursuing Wetsuit for several days at a local hangout in Myrtle Beach, South Carolina, where the underwater specialist had been vacationing. The two hooked up four times before he popped the question. Because she herself is an avid scuba diver and former model, it only made sense for her to join the Joes in some capacity. So Duke put her in an office, set some ground rules, and got her up and running. We hear she’s a pleasure to work with.
“I gotta admit, the only reason I was down in Myrtle Beach was to chase some Navy SEAL tail, and what do you know? I hooked me some tail. Get it? Tailhook? Anyhow, Duke was super nice and, like, LOL, he got me a job, and I was like, YOLO! But he thought I said, ‘Yo Joe!’ so I was handed the job right away.”
Code Name: Sinister Slice
Secondary Military Specialty: Crossword Puzzler
Cobra Commander will often take members of the Joe team prisoner, throwing them in the basement of the Terror Drome, where Cobra’s master jailer, Sinister Slice, presides. One of his favorite things to do is wake up a Joe in the middle of the night and slap him repeatedly on the ass, whilst singing Nelly’s ‘Hot in Herre.’ What are they going to do about it, right? He’s a menace to society and an absolute baller on the Cobra tennis courts. He also regularly finishes the Cobra Times crossword puzzle … in poison pen!
“People think I’m gay, but I’m not. I’ve just got a sick sense of humor — and like to wear feather boas and makeup from time to time. My wife loves it when I play dress-up in front of the mirror and reenact that scene from ‘Silence of the Lambs.’ She’s my biggest fan, and I love her like a brother.”
Code Name: Bronze Taco
G.I. Joe Linguistics Specialist
Secondary Military Specialty: Expert Spanish Guitarist
Bronze Taco was actually the first G.I. Joe team member recruited by Frog Hog — his résumé showed that he spoke multiple languages fluently, including Spanish, French, German, and Esperanto. Frog Hog was also immediately taken by his piercing eyes — a trait he got from his father, who was arrested numerous times for ogling women and exposing himself to them in the park. In fact, Bronze Taco exposed himself to Frog Hog at the recruitment center, and upon seeing his private first class, she hired him on the spot.
“Look, man, Bronze Taco can pick up any woman from any culture on any day. All she gotta do is look me in these eyes [points to eyes with pointer and middle finger], and she gonna come home with Bronze Taco. People always on my case about talking in third-person. Well, guess what Bronze Taco has to say to these people? Chinga tu madre! Look that one up on Wikipedia, putas.”
Code Name: Brown Wings
G.I. Joe Fighter Pilot
Secondary Military Specialty: G.I. Joe Poker Champion
Brown Wings is a fighter pilot recruited directly from the Navy by the G.I. Joe team, who was actually on the road to becoming a commercial airline operator, but decided he wanted an adventure. A specialist in fighter jets, spy planes, and helicopters, Brown Wings often subs in for Lift-Ticket (Tomahawk operator) and Windmill (Skystorm operator) on off-days; and has been known to steal Grunt’s Falcon attack glider for personal use.
“I didn’t get these Brown Wings for nothin’, brother. I’m about as capable of flying a paper airplane as I am a B1-bomber! I’ll take you out on my mighty wings any day — except Sundays. That’s ‘taco’ night in my bivouac, if you know what I mean.”
Code Name: Friendly Compass
G.I. Joe Reconnaissance Officer
Secondary Military Specialty: Expert Survivalist
Friendly Compass is the guy you want to be hiking with in the wilds of Zion National Park or helping you cut through the vines on a Cobra Island mission. Getting his start car-camping as a child and then serving in Desert Storm, Friendly Compass was hired by the G.I. Joe team after multiple members were murdered by IEDs planted by Cobra Yawn. Not only was he recruited to keep the fatality level down, but also to help Joes get to the Terror Drome to rescue imprisoned comrades. Stories of an infamous jailer who enjoyed torturing prisoners with Nelly songs got around the G.I. Joe base, and Friendly Compass took it upon himself to free them.
“You can sum up Friendly Compass with three words: Never Gets Lost. The guy could be in the middle of the Queens and find his way to Midtown Manhattan — walking. Friendly Compass never takes the subway or the bus or a taxi. ‘Cars are a load of crap, too. The only thing they’re good for is picking up hookers and doing lines of blow off their dashboards.’”