Seamless.com: convenient food option or hellish portal to despair? The website that many of us have bookmarked on our browsers can be great when you don’t want to leave the house. But it can also lead to some of the most depressing solo meals of your life. It’s time to take responsibility of your Seamless choices. Below are 20 of Seamless’s most popular cuisines, ranked by sadness:
20. Sushi: Probably the most respectable option there is on Seamless. It’s a healthy cuisine that seems refined despite the fact you’re ordering it without pants on. But the second you start adding options such as “Gyoza” or “Spicy Mayo,” you’re skyrocketing to the top 10, bud.
19. Healthy/Organic: Ah, the missionary position of cuisines. Obviously your physician and lower intestine might thank you for this choice, but you lose points for being a fucking bore.
18. Greek: You’re guaranteed to get a shopping bag full of weird salad with any order here, so that’s automatically healthier than a lot of other options.
17. Juices: Estimated Delivery time is 30-45 minutes to YOUR IVORY FUCKING TOWER. Imagine how confused that delivery guy is. This is just liquid. Why am I involved in this?
16. Pizza: So you have people over and are just being a gracious host. Oh you’re alone? Well, maybe it’s one of those gourmet pizza places with pieces of fancy ham and drizzled olive oil. It’s not? May god have mercy on your soul, you’re about to eat an entire large pizza.
15. Sandwiches/Wraps: At first glance, a reasonable request. I want someone to bring me a sandwich. Except I guarantee you have cold cuts that are about to turn rancid just chilling in your kitchen. Probably to the right of a loaf of bread about to go moldy. DON’T LET THEM DIE YOU MURDERER!
14. French: OOH LA LA AREN’T WE CULTURED?! I bet that coq au vin is going to travel well.
13. Indian: I will cosign any food that you can just constantly dip bread into. But is it worth the food coma you will enter after eating the entire goddamn thing? And sorry, no pulling the cord for you. You’re waking up suddenly at 2am on the couch with the NBA League Pass “Goodnight” screen blasting on your TV.
12. Lunchtime Specials: Pro: you’re getting a deal. Con: if you’re ordering to your home, you’re probably unemployed.
11. Diner: This probably wouldn’t be good in person, so why are you making a bike messenger carry it to you? Also, you’re missing out on the best part of eating in a diner: unlimited coffee and the waitress asking “can I top you off, hun?”
10. Steakhouse: BALLIN’! What Donald Trump would order if he was on Seamless, so you’re already in rarefied air (asshole). But again: why don’t you just go to one? You weren’t born without legs. Use ‘em!
P.S.: If you are reading this and were in fact born without legs, I am so sorry. Please order anything off of Seamless you’d like.
9. Mexican: This meal is super unhealthy and prone to causing food comas. But I understand taking the whole human interaction thing out of the equation when ordering a burrito. Have you ever been inside of a Chipotle when a high school has just let out? WAR ZONE.
8. Seafood: The fact that you can even order seafood from Seamless proves there’s a glitch in the food chain. From your chubby finger tips to the bottom of the sea and back up to your fat fucking face in 45 to an hour.
7. Soup: How did grandpa learn how to order dinner off the computer?!
6. Grocery Items: But will the delivery guy be able to find your bomb shelter?
5. BBQ: We made it to the top 5! Spoiler alert: this will not be good BBQ. No one has ordered good BBQ from Seamless. I don’t think good BBQ restaurants even have the internet yet.
4. Tie: Cheesesteaks/Wings: The cave man’s choice. It’s not technically even a cuisine, just the exact food item you want. And it’s going to hurt on the way out.
3. Chinese Food: Have you ever ordered Chinese food just for yourself but when it shows up there are like 4 pairs of chopsticks and you realize you ordered enough food for a standard-sized family and you just kind of stare off into the distance for a while? Good, me neither.
2. Breakfast: This assumes you’re starting your day off by ordering Seamless. Just let that sink in. I can’t think of anything sadder, except for…
1. Thai Food: The sadness champion! My god, Thai cuisine has it all: sugary sauces, salty meats, PASTA. THEY HAVE FUCKING PASTA THERE. It’s like Italian and Chinese had some fucked up, anti-christ baby and now he’s 26 and wants to hang out with you when you’re feeling vulnerable. And try to find a vegetable on the menu. Go ahead, I’ll wait.
Thai food is the equivalent of hooking up with a girl you don’t want anyone else to know about. You know it’s bad for you and it might look terrible when it shows up, but your deepest desires have taken over and no one is around to see. Plus, you can just type at a few keys and it shows up! And that’s really the crux of Seamless: it’s just too easy.
Well I’m here just to remind you to STAY STRONG. Cook something for god’s sake! Or take a girl out to dinner. And if you’re in a pinch and have to order Seamless, be responsible and stick to a category that won’t make you hate yourself after you eat the whole thing. Or else you might be waking up next to an empty container of Pad Thai.