If you’ve ever looked up to a children’s author, athlete, or humanitarian actor, you have an idea of what you think that person is like when they aren’t in the public eye. In reality, you’re probably wrong with how you think famous people act behind closed doors, and whether you want to believe it or not, even the most seemingly perfect people are actually assholes in their personal lives.
6. Dr Seuss
There are a few things that you didn’t know about the child novelist Dr. Seuss. First off, he’s not even a real doctor. His name is Theodor Seuss Geisel, and he originally wanted to be an adult erotic novelist but after a failed career he realized his illustrations weren’t what people wanted. Imagine an X rated version of The Cat in the Hat and that’s basically what his drawings looked like. Don’t believe me that he wanted to be an adult novelist? Why don’t you look up his first few books, Boners, and my favorite, More Boners. These two modern day classics were later packaged together and sold as The Pocket Book of Boners.
But there’s nothing wrong with being an erotic fiction novelist. That’s not what makes Dr Seuss an asshole.
In 1927, Theodor Seuss Geisel married a woman by the name of Helen Palmer Geisel. They were married for 40 years before his wife committed suicide after fighting cancer and various illnesses for 13 years. How does this make Dr. Seuss an asshole? Well, he cheated on the love of his life (who was dying of cancer) with someone much younger than himself, Audrey Dimond, who at the time was married and had children. Dr. Seuss almost immediately married Audrey after the death of his first wife, and his new wife abandoned her children so that she could be happy with a children’s novelist.
Now, you could argue that Helen Palmer Geisel committed suicide as a result of being depressed from her illnesses and that it had nothing to do with Dr. Seuss cheating on her. But if you read her suicide note, the opposite is true. She killed herself because her marriage with Dr Seuss, the love of her life, was coming to an end.
Her suicide note is as follows:
Dear Ted, What has happened to us? I don’t know. I feel myself in a spiral, going down down down, into a black hole from which there is no escape, no brightness. And loud in my ears from every side I hear, ‘failure, failure, failure…’ I love you so much … I am too old and enmeshed in everything you do and are, that I cannot conceive of life without you … My going will leave quite a rumor but you can say I was overworked and overwrought. Your reputation with your friends and fans will not be harmed … Sometimes think of the fun we had all thru the years…
His sick, dying wife, who he cheated on, in her suicide note that she wrote after finding out he was cheating on her, promised that she wouldn’t tell anyone about his affair with her so his reputation would remain intact. That poor woman. She was such a sweetheart and she married an asshole.
5. Michael Jordan
Everyone wants to be like Mike, right? He was in Space Jam for God’s sake. He got to shoot hoops with Bugs Bunny and ended up saving Looney Toon land with Bill Murray and that fat guy who played Newman on Seinfeld. Sadly, although he was likable in the movie, he’s a total asshat in real life and it’s starting to become more and more known.
I could just skim through a few points that make Michael Jordan an asshole, but I really want it to set in. I want you to realize that Michael Jordan is not a nice human being…at all.
- He bumped into rapper Chamillionaire while at an event. The rapper, a long time Michael Jordan fan, asked for a photo request. Jordan responded by saying that if the rapper paid him $15,000 on the spot for a signed jersey, he’ll take a photo with him. To add insult to injury, Michael Jordan was taking photos with girls, and other guests at the event, for free, but refused to take a photo with Chamillionaire. He specifically said “Hell no, I don’t take photos with N*****s. The rapper tells the story here.
- Michael Jordan was banned from a country club in an outfit that didn’t meet the dress code. When asked to change, and after being brought a change of clothes, he refused, and was banned.
- The day before game 4 of the 1993 NBA Phoenix Suns and Chicago Bulls series, Michael Jordan and Charles Barkley (of the Phoenix Suns) went golfing. They played 48 holes of golf, and Michael bought Charles a $20,000 diamond earring, which Charles was thought an act of friendship. When asked why he bought it by the Bulls assistant coach, Jordan said “He won’t get in my way the rest of the series, what’s $20,000 to me? Charles thinks we’re great friends. I hate that fat fuck.” Jordan scored 55 points during game 4, and Charles Barkley never stopped him once.
- Michael Jordan ruined Buggsy Bogues’ (who also appeared in Space Jam) entire career. On the biggest possessions of the game, Muggsy had the ball with his team down by one. Jordan backed off from him and said, “Shoot it, you fucking midget.” Muggsy tried to shoot it, and it didn’t come close. A year later Muggsy revealed that on that day, with that comment, Jordan single handedly ruined his career. His shot never recovered.
- Michael Jordan was caught cheating at a card game between him, his friend, and his friend’s mother. The game was for no money, and was simply for fun. Jordan tried to cheat when his friend’s mother went to the bathroom.
- His Hall of Fame speech. It was after this event that all the stories came out about how big of an asshole Michael Jordan is. The speech was him bragging about how incredible he is, and he singled out a lot of people that he didn’t like during his speech which created awkward tension in the room.
But hey, asshole or not, the man knows how to win basketball games.
4. Henry Ford
Henry Ford is credited with inventing the first automobile that could be afforded by middle class families as well as launching the great American auto-manufacturing company Ford. Although the man was a genius and worth an estimated $188 billion today, he had a few…”opinions” that would be frowned upon today. To put it bluntly: he hated Jews.
Where do you begin? Ford openly sponsored a weekly newspaper called The Dearborn Independent that published anti-Semitic views. Few accused him of discrimination because he hired black workers, women, and handicapped men. But don’t worry, I’m about to get into the juicy details of what made Ford an asshole.
On May 22, 1920, Henry Ford wrote “If fans wish to know the trouble with American baseball they have it in three words – too much Jew.” It gets worse. Henry Ford and his articles caught the attention of Theodor Fritsch, founder of several anti-Semitic parties, and of course, a member of the Reichstag in Nazi Germany. Heinrich Himmler even described Ford as “one of our most valuable, important, and witty fighters.”
But wait, there’s more!
Henry Ford is the only American mentioned in Mein Kampf. In an interview with a Detroit News reporter in 1931, Hitler described Henry Ford as an inspiration, and said that he kept a life-size portrait of him next to his desk. Hitler also said “I shall do my best to put his theories into practice in Germany.”
You know you’re an asshole when Hitler looks up to you for inspiration.
3. Jimmy Page
Jimmy Page is one of the iconic rock legends from Led Zeppelin. He may be old as shit now, but back in his prime Jimmy Page was a party animal and a sex machine. He was the type of guy that could have any girl he wanted and, well, as you’re about to find out, he did have any girl he wanted.
Lori Maddox was a 14-year-old girl who would spend a lot of time hanging out with groupies back in the early 1970’s. In 1972, Maddox was attending a party where a roadie who worked with Led Zeppelin allegedly said the following words to her: “Jimmy told me that he’s going to have you whether you like it or not!” and then he grabbed her and put her in the back of a limousine. In the limo the incredibly friendly roadie also allegedly said “You fucking move and I’ll fucking have your head.”
He had such a way with words.
After a long limo ride, Lori Maddox found herself in a hotel room with Jimmy Page. She recalls the event by saying that he had his hat down over his eyes and he was holding a cane. She said he looked great, and that night they reportedly had sex for the first time.
But that’s not the end of it.
For the next three years Jimmy Page reportedly continued his relationship with Lori Maddox. However, due to the fact that what he was doing was incredibly illegal (even in the 70’s) and that his reputation would be ruined if people found out he was having sex with a girl who had barely hit puberty, Lori Maddox was kept in secret the entire time her and Jimmy were dating. In a Led Zeppelin biography Hammer of the Gods, written by Stephen Davis, Lori Maddox admitted that at times she was locked up, although she consented to it because she was so in love with Jimmy Page, and didn’t want word of their relationship to get out.
After sleeping together for three years, Jimmy Page dumped Lori Maddox for a girl who he could legally have sex with, Bebe Buell.
Lori Maddox never thought to press charges because she thought Jimmy Page was romantic. Yeah, getting kidnapped and locked up and hidden away from the public – how romantic.
I know. I know. How the hell is Gandhi an asshole? He’s the poster boy for peaceful protest and he seemed like an all around chill dude. He was – but he was also a bit of hypocrite and a sex pervert.
Although Gandhi claims that he lived a chaste life there were a few things that he admitted to doing that made you wonder whether or not he was telling the truth. For example, he admitted to frequently bathing with a woman much younger than him. However, when he was challenged on this by the public, he said that while she was bathing he would keep his eyes firmly shut. Yeah, okay Gandhi, like you never took a peek while bathing with an attractive naked lady.
In addition to admitting to bathing with young women, when he was 77-years-old he slept completely naked with his 18-year-old grandniece as part of the “ultimate test.” He told the girl, Manu, that they may be killed by Muslims and that they must put their purity to the ultimate test. However, there is no evidence that they actually engaged in the dirty deed. But even if they just lay naked and cuddled, that’s pretty fucking weird.
But there are other ways Gandhi was a hypocrite besides preaching chastity while lying naked with girls a third of his age. When his wife was sick with pneumonia, British doctors told Gandhi that a shot of penicillin would heal her, but Gandhi refused to have alien medicine injected into her body, and she died soon after. Fast-forward to years later and Gandhi had become sick with malaria and, forgetting what he made his wife go through, allowed doctors to save his life with Quinine.
So when it’s someone else’s life in danger, they should avoid alien medicine because it is unnatural. But when Gandhi was in trouble, he got medicine up the ass. Not literally, but you get the idea.
1. Sean Penn
In 1985 Sean Penn married the woman every man in the 80’s wanted to sleep with: Madonna. It seemed like they would be Hollywood’s biggest couple, but it was short lived to say the least. There wasn’t anything really wrong with the marriage, besides Sean Penn reportedly being a bit of a violent drunk and reportedly breaking into Madonna’s house, tying her up and torturing her.
Sean Penn had a history of violence in the 80’s. For example, he was arrested for assaulting a photographer on a film set and sentenced to 60 days in jail in 1987. He also had a drinking problem, which would lead to him and Madonna having violent arguments which lead to their divorce in 1988.
But in 1989, in a drunken rage Sean Penn reportedly broke into Madonna’s home when she was alone and asleep, grabbed her and tied her to a chair. He reportedly assaulted her for hours both physically and mentally, because he thought that she was having sex with Warren Beatty, which was really none of his business anyway. Reportedly, Sean Penn left the house to get more alcohol, and when he came back, he continued to beat Madonna. She only escaped after she told him she needed to use the bathroom. Apparently he could handle beating her for several hours, but watching her pee herself was just too much to handle.
Why does nobody talk about this event? With the hopes of sweeping the whole ordeal under the rug and avoiding a media frenzy for once, Madonna asked that the charges be dropped, probably with the intention that she could move on from that horrific night.