Move Along, Nothing To See Here Just An Anaconda Slithering Into Someone’s Kitchen And Eating Their Eggs

You know what they say: never put all your eggs in one basket, or a fucking anaconda will descend from the ceiling and try to eat (or seduce?) one of them.

I’m a pretty tough bro. Like I like horror movies and have used a power tool before. But if I ever walked in on this scene, I would freak the fuck out. Like I wouldn’t even bother calling an exterminator or whatever, I’d set a match to the entire estate. Oh, grandma’s sleeping inside? Welp, looks like there’s going to be two casualties. That’s the price of war.

Matt Keohan Avatar
Matt’s love of writing was born during a sixth grade assembly when it was announced that his essay titled “Why Drugs Are Bad” had taken first prize in D.A.R.E.’s grade-wide contest. The anti-drug people gave him a $50 savings bond for his brave contribution to crime-fighting, and upon the bond’s maturity 10 years later, he used it to buy his very first bag of marijuana.