Army Bro Denied Leave Because ‘Men Don’t Go To Baby Showers’ Comes Up With Hilarious Alternate Excuse

There’s gotta be something wrong with this Bro, because what kind of dude actually wants to go to a baby shower? I’m a girl and I sure as shit don’t. If I had the option between going to a baby shower for five hours or eating five clipped fingernails, I’d ask if I could mix the nails into a bowl of cereal or something…and then eat them anyway because fuck going to baby showers. If this were me, I’d be thanking my CO for denying leave because now I have a valid excuse for missing an entire day of baby toys, clothes and gossiping women.

But for all we know, the Army Bro in question is being dragged along by his girlfriend/wife/FWB who has attachment issues, in which case I’ll give him a pass this time – but next time? Better get a head start chowing down on your nails:

All jokes aside, I’m jealous of this guy’s ability to eat 10 pounds of bacon in one sitting — I crap out around five and spend the rest of my day in a fetal position wondering what sort of idiotic (read: brilliant) life decisions brought me to eating five pounds of straight fat. #NoRagretz.

[Via Imgur]