Q: What is the best topic of conversation when talking to a very drunk female?
A: Kardashians, spin class, skinny girl margs, true love…but first I'd suggest a series of intoxication gaging quizzes to see if she's beyond the threshold of TDTT (too drunk to try). When is your birthday? What's your major? Do you remember my name? Can you count to ten? If she scores higher than a 55% you're good to go. Drunk girls laugh at anything and aren't listening anyways so even if your jokes are fucking stupid you should throw them on the table and see what happens.
Q: Hello, babe. I've got a question. There's this girl I've been hooking up with and talking to on a daily basis for the the past three weeks now. It seems like she has a thing for me and I think I'm starting to develop feelings for her, too, but this chick kind of has a reputation for being a slut. She used to be one of my ex-bros girlfriends, and before she went out with my Bro she had a crush on me- and since my Bro liked her I did what any bro would do I stepped aside and let him have her. But now since I'm not Bros with the dude anymore I hooked up with this chick. The main point I'm trying to make is, should I get emotionally involved with her? When she was with my ex-bro I “heard” shit that she wasn't loyal but she denies it. My point is should I get emotionally invested with her? Gimme some advice, oh mighty babe.
A: A couple of things stand out to me here. First of all, I guess you guys have caught on that I respond well to flattery; commendable strategy.
Secondly, and maybe not importantly, you used the word “Bro” three times in one sentence…whoa. That may actually be a record, bro.
And finally, to the meat. My feelings are that you aren't actually asking a question; but rather, seeking validation for what you already know to be true. The answer, young bro grasshopper, is in the question.
This girls got a reputation, which inevitably will taint your own. She's disloyal, dishonest and you said it yourself, slutty. So why are we still discussing this? If you ask me– which you did– you should avoid any form of involvement beyond a one-nighter.
Or, if you'd prefer to have your emotional stability fucked in the ass, you could ignore my advice. Ultimately the choice is yours.
But whichever route you pick, wrap that fucking dick.
Q: So I play on a rec league basketball team and there is a really cute babe on the team. To complicate matters, her brother is on the team as well so making any moves on her is difficult and uncomfortable. Any tips on how to court (pun intended) this chick? Is there any way to properly play the brother? Is it advantageous to be tight with him or would that work against me somehow?
A: Nice sports pun, breau. I also appreciate the tact and consideration you're taking with making moves on your babe-alicious teammate; because it's absolutely necessary.
Before making your intentions known or slipping in an ass grab at the free throw line, DO get on his good side. Ensure that you've established a solid man repertoire with him so that when the time comes for your lay(up) attempt, you've laid a substantial foundation as well.
Lol.
That said, let's not get comfortable with any man sleepovers or potlucks; because aside from the fact that that's super gay, you don't want to cross so far into his territory that you reach the point of no return– friend-zoned by association. And that shit burns. If her Bro likes you she'll notice and be more inclined to warm up to you; family ties run deep. Take advantage of post-game drinks, daytime practice and other essential team bonding experiences that you can facilitate.
Keep it casual and take it slow, because if things go south, the rec league could suffer (or benefit?) as a result of it.
Q: Six months ago I broke things off with this chick I had been dating for 9 months because she wasn't fun and always got on my case for going out and living it up. We recently started talking again and I have the chance to get her back in bed, where she actually is fun. Do I go for it or is this just gonna blow up in my face?
A: So what, you think she's just suddenly going to be a blast to be around after sucking enormously in months prior? Maybe she had a spiritual moment and found fun; or maybe she discovered a pot full of funness at the end of the rainbow. But I pretty much fucking doubt it.
She sounds like a downer and you're bored and settling. Just sayin'. If you think you can lure her in without reattaching any strings or having her reinforce her no-fun rules, then shit- go for it. But don't let her bring you back down.
(#canilive?)
Q: Pardon me, Miss Babe, but my question is this: There is a girl that I asked out on a Wednesday for dinner with me on Friday. She said yes but when Friday rolled around and I started texting her, she told me that it wasn't such a good idea and she wasn't ready for this because she had gotten out of a relationshiptwo days before I asked her out. I understood at the time but a day later her now ex-boyfriend officially started a relationship with another girl and he had months of pictures to support that the girl I asked out was getting played. Where do I go from here because I still want a shot with this girl but I don't want to seem like an opportunist?
A: Let her come to you. This girl is heartbroken and apprehensive. She's damaged goods, and she needs some time to heal. Don't drop off the face of the earth, though, because you're probably slightly forgettable if left in the dust of another interested Bro– but give her room to breathe. Her ex sounds like a dickhead so as long as you're nice enough, you've probably got an edge.
If she plays a wild card and dips into a slut phase…don't take it personally.
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[Drunk girl image via ShutterStock]
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