This Chick’s Accent On Jeopardy Last Night Made Me Want To Stick My Head In An Industrial Wood Chipper

by 5 years ago

Listen, I’m not trying to be a dick here. I have so many deficiencies, both externally and internally. Rebecca Martinson turned to be the other day and randomly told me I had bad skin. I told her that beauty was skin deep and she reminded me that I’m also a shitty person. Those are my demons. I struggle with them daily.

So how do I cope with my own insecurities? Project them on other people to make myself feel better about growing man boobs and a lifelong string of ill-advised decisions DUHHH.

And Jeopardy contestant Laura Ashby just happens to be the latest victim, by no fault of her own. She’s probably a nice, philanthropic, well-to-do lady. But none of that matters right now because her accent makes me want to swan dive into a sea of feeding sharks. She could very well be clairvoyant and giving me next weeks winning lottery numbers and I couldn’t help but react like Harry.

“I’ll take listening to my parents having sex over hearing that accent for eight hundredddddd, Alex.”

Matt’s love of writing was born during a sixth grade assembly when it was announced that his essay titled “Why Drugs Are Bad” had taken first prize in D.A.R.E.’s grade-wide contest. The anti-drug people gave him a $50 savings bond for his brave contribution to crime-fighting, and upon the bond’s maturity 10 years later, he used it to buy his very first bag of marijuana.

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